Just because we don’t have brothels full of promiscuous pussy available in every city, or casual street murder via sword fighting, it doesn’t mean that Game of Thrones isn’t grounded in reality. Yeah okay, dragons and shit, but I mean the characters and situations are mostly grounded. If we had Arya Stark suddenly decide in Season 3 that she wanted to become a caterpillar instead of finding her mother and brother, then there were Rocky-style montages of her rolling around in dirt and eating leaves, that would be unrealistic. But what is realistic is how well the characters react to their scenarios they’re in.
So even though we don’t have a team of soldiers guarding a giant ice wall along the Canadian border, that doesn’t mean…
1. You’re Stoked For Your New Job, Except…
…it actually blows. Think of it like this. You finally got hired at what you thought was the non-profit of your dreams, where the staff seems super welcoming and the company’s got a great reputation in the area. Your parents are even pumped that they finally got you out of the damn house, and deep down you’re actually really excited to be out on your own. But then you show up for your first day. The friendly staff? Nah, they’re just a bunch of ex-cons who can’t get hired anywhere else. The company reputation? Well, they play like they’re doing some super-important job to everyone outside, but on the inside it’s actually a joke and the employees crap on the business regularly. Oh, and by the way, your parents were only happy about you taking the offer because it meant you could never come home and they finally got rid of you. Of course most jobs don’t have a binding contract where you’re trapped there for life, but we all know Jon Snow got the shit-end of the stick the moment Ned Stark told him the Night’s Watch was “honorable” and then was all like “now gtfo Catelyn hates you.”
2. Family Gatherings Require Alcohol… Always
This was the best Easter I’ve ever had. Know why? Because the majority of my family was out of state so we didn’t have any sort of gathering. I chilled on a couch for five hours waiting for Thrones to come on, then went to drafts where I drank Woodchuck until my bladder was basically a beer tap. It’s not that I dislike my family, it’s that I can’t handle extended contact (i.e. 90+ minutes) with them all at once.
Cersei gets me. Sure she’s a ginger bitch with a slight incest fetish, but she spends every family event chugging down glasses of wine. Look at what she has to deal with though: little people, crazy incest babies, amputees and old people. Golf clap for having the restraint to not break out the hard liquor.
3. Weddings Are Shitshows
Too soon? Yeah, okay. Moving on.
4. The Underdog Usually Loses
We’re all so used to thinking that the underdog is going to win because that’s what pop culture tells us. Miracle? Of course ‘Murica wins. The kid from bumfuck nowhere in October Sky winning the state science fair? Well DUH he’s going to wind up working for NASA; you might as well have had him win the lottery.
Sure these were all true stories, but 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t happen the right way. Poor little Johnny the homeless orphan who lost his legs in a freak butter knife accident is probably going to die in a sewer with a raging case of AIDS before he fulfills his dream of becoming an NFL quarterback. And sorry Robb Stark, but you were boned from the beginning.
5. Unless You’re Attractive Or Rich, You’re Going To Get Crapped On
Or at the very least you have to be clever enough to work your way up the ladder past the buttholes that rain shit on everyone, but even that’s not a guarantee (we’ll have to wait and see what happens with Littlefinger). Tyrion is a stumpy little man but his family is basically the Bill Gates of the medieval ages so no one cares. Does he get crapped on still? Technically yes, but the worst he gets is verbal abuse. Boo hoo hoo, his Daddy called him a loser and he has to go cry his tears in a FRICKING CASTLE FULL OF PERSONAL SERVANTS. Life is so hard.
Then we’ve got pretty little Shae who went from random whore to Personal Whore of the Hand of the King. Pretty big status jump, but I think we can all agree that if she had a cleft lip and sideburns she’d still be turnin’ tricks out on the battlefields. The only possible exception to this could be the Frey girls, because they’re all presumably rich while still being busted and everyone poops on them anyways. Taking into account though the fact that they live in the trailer park version of a castle and their father is literally a troll, they don’t really qualify as either wealthy or hotties. (It’s like being a millionaire who lives in a garbage can. Sure you’ve got money, but dude, you live in a dumpster. Not appealing.)
Let’s be real here, who was the last truly ugly or “poor” celebrity that anyone fawned over? Because I sure as shit can’t think of anyone.
Rebecca Martinson is a columnist for BroBible.