Oddjob from Goldeneye
Playing with Oddjob was the equivalent of watching your best friend have sex with your girlfriend and not being able to do anything about it. Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but it was pretty close. Oddjob was such a small target and when you got into close combat you would either shoot right over his head or miss your slaps. This was infuriating because while you weren’t doing any damage he was dumping bullets right into your crotch. Also he wore a ‘bowler’s hat’ which is basically just a shittier fedora and yes, I know it’s tough to believe a hat can get worse than a fedora but Oddjob found a way to make it happen.
Kirby from Super Smash Bros
This one is difficult for me because I was that asshole that played with Kirby and it wasn’t until I met another asshole that played with Kirby that I realized that Kirby is an asshole and he automatically makes whoever plays with him an asshole. He can float, so it’s tough to knock him off maps. He has a very powerful aerial assault. He has a strong hammer attack and to make it even more of a slap in the face his stock color is pink. Kirby is a dick and anyone who plays with him shall be classified as such. I have weaned myself off the Kirby so I’m okay with myself now.
Chun-Li from Street Fighter
Chun Li was an irritating bitch. She was one of the fastest characters in the game and if she got you into close range she could trap you in her storm of kicks. I had a friend who only used to play with Chun-Li and he would trap me on one side of the stage and just kick me until I was K.O’d. It was bullshit and not only did resent him for playing like a douche; I resented Chun-Li and her shitty kicks. One could argue that E-Honda was annoying with his super fast Sumo hand, but at least he maneuvered slowly around the stage and couldn’t easily corner you the way Chun-Li could with her thunder thighs.
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Raiden from Mortal Kombat
Raiden made me hate the idea teleportation. I thought it was a cool thing until everyone who played with him just teleported behind me 10000 times and then torpedoed me to the other side of the map only to do it over and over again until I was defeated. He had his long-range electricity attack that was just a little faster than other character’s long-range attack and he didn’t even have the respect to take that shitty drum symbol off his head before he fought. People that played/play with Raiden are the same people who would kick a puppy right in front of you and then deny that they just kicked the puppy.
Rikishi from WWE No Mercy
Rikishi wasn’t the fastest. Rikishi wasn’t the strongest. Rikishi wasn’t even the best. But Rikishi wore a thong and would rub his taint on your character’s chest and that was enough for me to hate him. Whenever I had a friend do that move to me, he might as well have just done it himself right there in real life because it would have been just as painful and disrespectful. Rikishi was a douche and he was just fat enough to make it difficult for smaller more able-bodied characters to body slam him. Plus he had a blonde mustache and it’s a fact that anyone who has a blonde mustache has inappropriately touched a minor. If you played with Rikishi you basically support rape.
Toad from Mario Kart
I can’t go into enough detail about how much I absolutely hate Toad. I went over it briefly on the last point in this article (http://www.brobible.com/life/article/life-lessons-from-mario-kart) but he’s literally the worst thing to ever happen to video games. I still have nightmares of hearing him cross the finish line first and scream in his annoying pre-pubescent voice, ‘I’m the best!’ He’s just a little faster and more maneuverable than all the characters and the fact that he is a phallic symbol makes me hate whoever designed him. I will literally disown my future children if they choose to play with Toad in the future Mario Kart Games. You might as well stab my whole family in front of me if you’re going to play with Toad because that’s basically what you’re doing the moment you select him. Just know that if you play with Toad or used to play with Toad NO ONE LIKES YOU.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian whose worst nightmare is a white guy with dreadlocks and gauged ears wearing Crocs and jorts who plays with Toad. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.
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