Entertainment
by Andy Moore on December 10, 2013

A few facts before we begin: 1.) This is the 18th time Victoria's Secret has hosted the program; 2.) It airs from New York City's Lexington Avenue Armory; 3.) It has transitioned from a ballsy excuse for network television to air softcore pornography into an awesomely established show that is still an excuse for network television to air softcore pornography.

One more note: Miranda Kerr will not be participating this year, because God is dead.

Alright here we go. Don't take this too seriously, please.

One drink for each time:

  • Alessandra Ambrosio walks down the runway
  • Erin Heatherton walks down the runway
  • Candice Swanepoel walks down the runway
  • Any other Angel you're fond of walks down the runway
  • Taylor Swift dances awkwardly
  • Your wish you could see Taylor Swift in a bra and panties.  
  • Fall Out Boy looks lucky to be there

Two drinks for each time:

  • A girlfriend or girl friend you're watching with says, “I'm going to the gym tomorrow”
  • Swanepoel wears the $10 million fantasy bra
  • Lily Aldrige or Adriana Lima's kids are mentioned
  • Karlie Kloss comes out wearing psychedelic wings
  • A model has a name you've before heard

Three drinks for each time:

  • An announcer breaks down how to pronounce Behati Prinsloo's name
  • A guy you're watching with says, “Psht, you know there's porn, right?”
  • Someone shoots down that guy
  • You catch yourself counting abs
  • Swift does something overtly sexual with one of the models
  • You Google new German model Toni Garrn
  • DICAPPPPPPRIOOOO!!!!!!!!

Finish your drink each time:

  • You feel a slight ping of unworthiness

Do a shotgun and rowdy U-S-A chant:

  • When an Angel walks down while wearing the American flag wings

Do a shotgun and yell “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN”:

Drink paint thinner

  • If Kanye hijacks T. Swift's performance, claims Kim should be there 

Drink everything in the apartment, high-five everyone in the zip code

  • If you've ever hooked up with a star of the show

Enjoy the performance, everyone!

Andy Moore

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