Tonight is the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. It's also a Tuesday, so if you're looking for an excuse to drink, you've come to the right place!

A few facts before we begin: 1.) This is the 17th time Victoria's Secret has hosted the program; 2.) It airs from New York City's Lexington Avenue Armory; 3.) It has transitioned from a ballsy excuse for network television to air softcore pornography into an awesomely established show that is still an excuse for network television to air softcore pornography.

Alright here we go. Don't take this too seriously, please.

One drink for each time:

• Miranda Kerr walks down the runway
• Alessandra Ambrosio walks down the runway
• Erin Heatherton walks down the runway
• Candice Swanepoel walks down the runway
• Any other Angel you're fond of walks down the runway
• Rihanna does something overtly sexual with one of the models
• Rihanna does something overtly sexual to the camera
• Bruno Mars looks lucky to be there

Two drinks for each time:

• A girlfriend or girl friend you're watching with says, "I'm going to the gym tomorrow"
• They show the diamond bra and mention it's worth over $1 million
• Lily Aldrige or Miranda Kerr's kids are mentioned
• A model has a name you've never heard before
• Someone asks why Marisa Miller isn't there

Three drinks for each time:

• An announcer breaks down how to pronounce Behati Prinsloo's name
• A guy you're watching with says, "Psht, you know there's porn, right?"
• Someone shoots down that guy
• You catch yourself counting abs
• A model is interviewed and it's clear she might not be able to read
• Marisa Miller's whereabouts are Googled

Finish your drink each time:

• You find out Marisa Miller is pregnant
• You feel fat

Do a shotgun and rowdy U-S-A chant:

• When an Angel walks down while wearing the American flag wings

Begin calling your alcohol "firewater," take a shot of whiskey:

• If Karlie Kloss' ensemble is accidently left in

Take a shot of something strong:

• If CBS shows Justin Bieber posing with a model and you feel that first twinge of debilitating envy
• If Bieber and Barbara Palvin's possible relationship is mentioned
• If you begin crying at the thought of Bieber and Palvin's relationship

Enjoy the show, everyone!