Entertainment
by Mike Camerlengo on December 5, 2013

Now being a great movie doesn’t mean everything is perfect; sometimes flaws help make a movie better. Confused? No problem. I’ve come up with a special formula to determine why Varsity Blues is the greatest movie of all time.

Awesome Football Scenes

These were genuinely great. Both Lance Harbor and Jon Moxon looked like they could be really good QBs and the hits were awesome. Granted a few too many linebackers were leaving their feet trying to decapitate the guy with the ball but this is the 90s! Concussions didn’t exist yet.

Cultural Relevance

I’m pretty sure the term “whip cream bikini” wasn’t rolling off anybody’s tongue before this movie came out. Granted it was all BS. As any horny teenager can tell you whip cream does not hold perfectly still on a body. I’m guessing they used shaving cream and while it may look the same, it certainly doesn’t taste the same. Fool me once… 

Questionable Logic

I’m all for trick plays, but why the hell are you calling a hook and ladder to your 350lb left guard on the last play of the biggest game of your life? Tweeder, played by Scott Caan before his hair, runs 8 yards, catches the ball then chucks it back to the line of scrimmage where Billy Bob is still shedding the d-lineman. So the play is basically a handoff to your left guard…luckily Billy Bob knows how to mow people down like a boss.

I guess it’s hard to blame the play call since it’s made by an 18 year old kid on crutches. At halftime of the game Coach Kilmer is run out of the locker room leaving Lance Harbor to coach the team. That’s right, a senior is now the head coach of one of the best teams in Texas. Where did all the assistants go? And who is Lance talking to on his headset, a 7th grader in the booth?

When Mox (I can call him that, we’re friends) goes to clock the ball, he wastes valuable seconds looking for someone on the sideline to throw at. He finally decides to knock some hick cowboy off a horse but how much time did that waste? 3, 4 seconds? And you’re going to Brown with those time management skills? Doubtful. He did this earlier in the movie to an opposing team’s mascot so this is a real pattern of disregard for stopping the clock.

Watchability

If Varsity Blues comes on, I’m watching it. Doesn’t matter the time or the place. “But you have a wedding to go to!” Nope, tell them I’ll swing by after to pick up my filet mignon, (always order the steak fellas). You don’t have to start at the beginning of the movie either because it’s filled with gems. So whenever you see it pop up on one of HBO’s 14 channels as it’s known to do, sit back and bask in the glow of West Cannan, Texas.

Nudity

Ali Larter may have used some Shick foam to cover her lady parts but everybody’s favorite teacher Ms. Davis showed some serious skin working as a stripper in what appears to be a barn called The Landing Strip (Texas!).

Secondary Characters

Every movie can get by with a few stars carrying the load, but Varsity Blues isn’t looking to just get by. That’s why it’s no surprise to find an assortment of wonderful secondary characters roaming around town. From Mox’s hillbilly dad to Chet the crazy mechanic on over to some of the background football players who look to be pushing 40, these guys are glorious.

Quotability

Every great movie has tons of quotable lines. I feel like Varsity Blues got a bad rap because the one line that took off was “I don’t want your life!” Not even in the top five in my opinion. Some beauties:

“Damn Mox, I thought you knew”

–Wendell telling Mox that Kilmer doesn’t let him score because he is basically in the Klan.

“You got a bad attitude and you don’t listen!”

–Coach Bud Kilmer to Jon Moxon who in Kilmer’s defense, wasn’t really listening.

“Fire that fucking pigskin!”

–Moxon’s dad right before getting his nose broken by that fucking pigskin at a BBQ

“You are the damn dumbest smart kid I know.”

–Coach Kilmer yelling at Mox for changing the plays.

“I give it a ten, a ten…a fuckin’ ten!”

-Billy Bob grading his teacher’s stripping performance at The Landing Strip (Texas!).

So there you have it. Awesome football scenes + cultural relevance + questionable logic +  watchability + nudity + secondary characters + quotability = The Greatest Movie of All Time. Simple mathematics, really. 

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