I don’t do mainstream media. Not because I’m one of those conspiracy theorist wackjobs, but because it’s boring. Every time you turn on CNN or log on to HuffPo it’s the same stories: something exploded in a part of the world that I don’t care about, Congress passed a law that won’t affect me, or some celebrity went crazy. When I do give the major outlets a chance, it’s only the celeb stuff that will keep me engaged, guaranteed. That might seem shallow, but I’m truly fascinated with the human condition. When a beloved childhood star transforms into an opiate-abusing adult masturbating on a crowded boulevard at 10 AM, one can’t help but examine and marvel at the process. Besides, most of us are doomed to drag our heels through life in perpetual mediocrity, so what’s wrong with a little schadenfreude to add some pep in our step.
In honor of Bynesy’s recent antics, here are Top 10 Celebrity Downfalls of All Time.
10. Amanda Bynes
Nothing adds sunshine to a cloudy Manhattan day better than seeing a picture of Bynesy in a courtroom looking like a homeless Daenerys Targaryen. She wanted Drake to murder her vagina, she got America to rape her Twitter. Honestly, I think Bynes is secretly a robot created by the Obama Administration in order to get our minds off stuff like Oklahoma and Boston. Maybe I am a wackjob. But you know who is a bigger one?
9. Justin Bieber
He’s already given us a bounty, but there’s so much more to come. My personal favorite was the Anne Frank fiasco. I don’t care about his presumptions regarding her musical taste, I just loved that he referred to her on a first name basis and as a “great girl”. That sounds like something Tony Soprano would say to Christopher after he just whacked his girlfriend. “You know that Anne…she was something special, that one. Real piece of ass. Okay, maybe she was a little thick in the eyebrows, but hey, whaddyagonnado?!”
8. Mike Tyson
Does anyone remember Mike Tyson as an actual World Champion? The man has been raping women and eating faces for so long that he himself decided to capitalize on his outside antics. Iron Mike ended up broke as a boxer but now he’s caking on crazy with his upcoming Broadway show. He’s also an innovator in the crazy game. Drugs are cliché, Tyson slept with fucking tigers. Tigers that are probably pressing charges.
7. Scott Hall aka Razor Ramon
I know this pick may seem strange to many of you, but just watch the legendary E60 episode above. Scott Hall’s elbow drop from grace is absolutely tragic. In a business where the average performer is dead and broke by 40, it’s tough to stand out as a fuck-up in wrestling. Staring a Kickstarter to fund your dentures solidified Hall as a world champ, chico.
6. Mel Gibson
For nearly 20 years, Mel Gibson had a sterling reputation as one of Hollywood’s most beloved leading men. Mel’s squeaky-clean record made me feel intimidated and insecure. But that all changed. The DUIs, death threats, and declarations of war against the Jewish race were a refreshing change of pace. When I lived in a frat house, I walked in on a kid watching Apocalyto. I began a subtle campaign to ostracize him from the others until he ended up transferring back home. You just can’t have people like that around…
5. Tiger Woods
It wasn’t merely the fucking that was crazy. People fuck. It happens. It was the fact that the fucking came from such an unlikely source. Finding out that Tiger Woods likes to choke’n’stroke is like finding out that Lisa Ann doesn’t. Mind blown.
4. Macaulay Culkin
Look at that. It’s as if someone took a candle to his face and pasted on a pubestache. Mac was the first child star in my lifetime to lose his shit and it was memorable. Sure Lindsey Lohan slept with a lot of Hollywood’s A-list, but Macaulay fucked MICHALE JACKSON. I think that’s what did it. One minute your America’s sweetheart banking in the box office, the next you’re playing a bit-too-believable homosexual psychopath in Party Monster. Only one likely cause of such self-destruction…
3. Michael Jackson
It’s hard to believe there was ever anything solid to meltdown in the first place. Imagine if your sanity steadily declined each year from let’s say, age 12 until your Propofol-induced death. So many crazy Michael moments…I’d say the best was his interview with Martin Bashir. From what I remember it went something like this.
Bashir: Michael, *holds up a photo of a black child * here is you at eight years old. *holds up a photo of a pasty ghoul* Here is a picture of you in the present. Care to explain?
MJ: Yes, it’s called growing.
Anyone who can say that with a straight face/while fingering a fifth grader under the table wins a spot in my insane hall of fame.
2. Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen stole my college graduation. I don’t remember who spoke at the ceremony, what gifts I received or how I spent my last day on campus. All I recall was that we were in the middle of Sheen Fever. Everyone was perpetually aghast at the latest scandal emanating from Chuck’s cocaine compound. No pats on the back, no wise words of encouragement, just constant updates on which whore managed to jump over the gates and escape next. I swear my dean dropped a “WINNING” in her speech. Fuck Charlie Sheen.
1. Lindsay Lohan
I tried to find her entire rap sheet in order to make a corny “36 arrests, 0 losses joke” but I simply couldn’t do it. We live in the prime of the digital age with all the world’s knowledge accessible at our fingertips, but I simply could not accurately calculate LiLo ‘s legal woes. There are way too many variables: pending lawsuits, revised pleas, Liz & Dick. I gave up. It’s like trying to count all the grains of sand on the beach. She sent me into an existential crisis. That’s the definition of crazy. On this Memorial Day, I honor all those who gave their lives trying to do the same.
Honorable Mention: Britney Spears. South Park put it better than I ever could.
That wraps it up for me. Think I missed any epic meltdowns? Think I got it right? Thanks bro. I worked on this for over fifteen minutes. Leave your thoughts in the comments section!!!
Krum is an NYC based comedian. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom.