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A Guide to the Psychotic Breakdown Tila Tequila Is Having on Facebook Right Now

By / 12.28.12

For evidence, I'd like to direct the courtroom's attention to the Facebook fan page of Ms. Tequila, where the model has spent the last few hours warning her 1.8 million followers about a coming apocalypse. During this time, the earth will split in two, trillions of angels will descend on the earth, and, I think, a comet will also be somehow involved. It seems that she's done delivering this information, as she just posted that she's “ascended back to the 7th dimension” to “mingle with the rest of the angels.”

No judging here, guys. Tila might be on to something. Let's break down the posts she's put up during her 12-hour drug hallucination dispatch from the beyond.

12 hours ago:

Tila Army, Are you all ready for some action? We have been waiting 26,000 for this so I think that is enough training time for all you Angel WARRIORS out there! *AHEM* Prepare for more of our Kind Arriving in LEGIONS to take over the Earth and take down the rest of the SCUM illuminati pricks. They have been running from us, but they cannot hide. WARRIORS HERE: ARE YOU READY? BRING IT ON BABY! As for the beautiful people of this Planet, once the last wave of ANGEL WARRIORS come here in January 2013 you all shall be slowly feel a sense of “FREEDOM” within yourselves and your SOUL will be pure again. Then slowly as time progresses you shall be able to remember how to “ACTIVATE” you super human abilities once again. This is JUST THE BEGINNING and in time, I shall try my best to guide you through this process. I am so happy! I love you! xoxoxox Warriors I am done making all of your Swords and Shields made from the most wicked Atomic oh wait can't let anyone know my secret ingredients xoxox

 

Translation: Tila seems to have taken the phenomenon of female pop stars naming their fan bases after military/frightening things (Rihanna's Navy, Lady Gaga's Monsters) to its natural conclusion, asking them to literally become an army. This is pretty admirable, but she is asking a lot of her supporters: Not just to buy an album or to go see her at a concert, but to declare war against “SCUM illuminati pricks.” Is this totally feasible? I'm not sure. You're going to need two, three months training (minimum) to take on notable illuminati like Jay-Z, Gaga, and the British royal family. She may be asking too much, too soon.

10 hours ago:

RANDOM FACT ONCE AGAIN HIDDEN FROM THE PUBLIC:

Nikola Tesla had 700 patents to which would have been VERY USEFUL for the world today! But of course Illuminati fucks got greedy and hi-jacked his inventions and patents. And oh yea, Nikola Tesla is still alive today. He's a time traveler as well as currently using another human body as his vessel. Crazy right? Well guess what? I told you that I was going to start telling you the truth that's been kept you all so dumb and blind like slaves! I'm trying to help you here! If you don't find the truth behind the truth behind the truth interesting or yearn to know the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, then ok. You can unlike my page so you don't have to hear me tell you the truth about WHO YOU ALL ARE. Shall I continue to share the knowledge that's been hidden for centuries or would you like me to just be like “THE OTHERS” and keep you dumb and in the dark? Your choice my love. I am only here to help. If you do not wish for my help, then I shall kindly back off. ♥ Miss TIla

 

Translation: Telsa doesn't look a day over 156, does he? You can't explain that. He's gotta be using another human body as his vessel.

9 hours ago:

PS- ALL YOU IMAGINATION AGENTS CIA AND MASONS WHO CONTINUE TO MAKE THREATS TO ME, I HONESTLY DONT GIVE A FUCK! I HAVE THE KEY TO THE MOON MATRIX AND I AM PROTECTED BY THE ULTIMATE CREATOR GOD OF ALL INFINITY AND BEYOND! SO WHY DONT YOU GO BACK TO MARS WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY HIDING ANYWAY! ALSO CERTAIN PARTS OF THE UN IS WORKING WITH ME AS WELL SO WHY DONT YOU ALL GO FUCK YOURSELF! HEY, YOU KNOW THE GAME: “TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED BLACK OP MISSION” RIGHT? YEAH SO DON'T THREATEN ME. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF! SUPER SOLDERS? NAH! I FUCKING EAT SUPER SOLDIERS! I AM THE AUTHENTIC SUPER HUMAN WARRIOR OF GOD ALMIGHTY! SO DO NOT THREATEN ME DARLING! 

 

Translation: Tila is doing battle with the Central Imagination Agency, a more menacing and secretive force to reckon with than your run-of-the-mill Carrie Mathison's at the Central Intelligence Agency. They're gunning for the sex tape maven for a simple reason: She has the key to the moon matrix. The key to the moon matrix.

(They've got another thing coming, however. Tila “fucking eats” super soldiers. And she has an army, I guess?)

10 hours ago:

OH NOES! EYEZ WUZ NOT BEIN POLITE AGAINZZZZ SOWWIE!! YAY! RAINBOWAS ANDD LOLOPPOOPOOPSSS FOR YOU KUZ EYE WUB YOU!! HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS! *WEEEEEEEEE* SKIPS AROUND* *DOES MOONWALK* OOPSIE I POOPSY IN MY POTTY AGAIN! *SAD FACE* SOWWWIE :( lol EYE NO BE SO ROOOD AGAINZ NEST TIMEZ OK? BUT U HAZ 2 PINKY SWEAR U NO ROODE TO ME DEN EYE NO ROOD TO U BACK MMMKAY?? DEAL? YAYYAYA! GIMMME HUGZZZZZZ! MUAH! HAPY HAPY PAY PENGUIINSSS!!!! :)

 

Translation: No idea.

7 hours ago:

My Other Angels please let go of your pain. I know it all to well, and your anger is to hide the deep pain inside you. Trust me Dear one, I know it all too well. Yes you have every right seek vengeance! Again, I know that feeling too well. But as long I am here, I will not let anyone hurt you again. You can free yourselves now from being wrongfully chained and left alone to suffer. I know this. But just forget about them they cannot harm you anymore! Only if you let them. And I know it hurts to feel like an outcast but now is your chance to break free from your chains. I shall bring you fire if you are cold, I am the Ruler of Pluto and if My Planet continues to harm you. Then I shall destroy my own Planet for you to stop hurting. As for Jupiter? I was never too fond of Jupiter either. I'll make sure it's icy hell shall blow itself up. Father is just jealous This is not your fault for father can sometimes be an arrogant fool and did not want his Children to be more powerful than he. I will stop Father from hurting thee now ♥ You are beautiful Giants for a reason. “tis was not your faults that you were born into sin. Father must Repent also for what he hath done to all of you. ♥

 

Translation: Okay, this I can translate. Tila is conveying to us the powers she has as a ruler of Pluto, and among them is the power to blow up the largest planet in the solar system, Jupiter, if it's pissing you off, or something. It's unclear if these are actually references to Roman gods, or if Tila is aware what Roman gods are.

7 hours ago:

And another thing? If you were NOT the ones written in the “BOOKS” then don't try to tell me what you have “RESEARCHED” sheesh! Don't you know what MARY MAGDALENE was JESUS' WIFE? She was the one who GUIDED HIM! SHe was the one who DID MOST OF WHAT HE CAME TO BE! “BEhind every good man is a good WOMAN!” However, all the people as well as Jesus' apostles became SO JEALOUS OF HER BECAUSE MARY MAGDALENE WAS JESUS' #1 SPOT! So OF COURSE THOSE JEALOUS FOOLS CALLED HER A WHORE A PROSTITUTE AND BURNED ALL OF HER BOOKS! The painted her out to be just some WHORE when really She was Jesus' TRUE LOVE! As a matter of fact, they even had a baby together but they both feared for their child's life and went into hiding. Funny how people LOVE call me a “WHORE AND PROSITUTE” just like Miss Mary Magdalene there… *SIGH*

 

Translation: Here, I think, we're starting to get to the thesis of Tila's argument: That much like Mary Magdalene, who was also a whore, Tila is being unfairly prosecuted by people for delivering important news. Going off of scholarly works like “The Da Vinci Code,” Tila continues that Magdalene and Jesus had a child together. I'm unclear what has to do with the message Tila is delivering, however she feels very strongly about it.

4 hours ago:

WAIT! Father are you sure you want me to show them what you are going to do to them on June 2013 with that Comet you spoke of? Of course I do not deny you Father, but you already know I am the more merciful one than you. I am their Mother Afterall. Yes, you are right. You have warned them time and time again, yet they still mock you while praising the wrong Creator. Alright Father. I will show them a preview of your Wrath coming in June 2013 for those who are infected and not ascended into the New Pristine Earth you have created for the Angels and pure ones. I shall relay your message now. From now one I shall only speak to you and no one else as you wish… Yes, I understand. I love you too! I can't wait to be with you again and go home. We are almost done here. ♥ Oh BTW Atom has been really helpful. He thinks that I do not hear him call out my name but I do! Can you relay that message back to Atom please? OK. Yes I hope one day after I have fulfilled my duties here on Earth that you shall grant me my wish to be Mortal again. ♥

 

Translation: The Mayans fucked it up. Comet is coming in June of 2013.

Make your final arrangements now, gents. If we're going to survive this comet, we need to start listening to the chick who once hosted “Pants Off Dance Off.”

Final takeaway: Let's all become fans of Tequila's on the Book. This crazy train is going to be rolling for the discernible future.


TAGSModelsTila Tequilatila tequilia crazy
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