So yeah, I remember my first time. I was nervous. A lot my friends had done it before, or at least that’s what they claimed. I really didn’t know what I was doing, I merely mimicked what I recalled from movies and TV shows. My main concern during the whole ordeal was to not wake my sleeping parents upstairs. Because she was loud. Like really loud. It wasn’t because of anything I did; I just think that’s how she was. Before I knew it, the whole ordeal was over. Finished before it started. Unfortunately, there was some cleanup, but it’s only natural. I put the Aquaphor away, washed my hands, and X’ed out of my web browser. I’ll never forget you, Jenna Jameson.
My love affair with adult entertainment has only grown stronger since that fateful evening many years ago. And with modern-day advents like RedTube and not living in my parents’ house, access to smut is easier than ever. I watch a lot of porn. Correction, I masturbate to a lot of porn. No one sits there and appreciates the story arc. Throughout my experiences with erotica, I’ve come to appreciate the elements that are truly unique to the art form. I proudly present: My 5 Favorite Things About the Adult Film Industry.
5. The Interviews
One of my favorite segments in the adult video is the “interview” prior to the action. Typically, the starlet sits on a couch and fields a Q&A from some off-camera creeper. The first question off the bat is always “How old are you?” If she says 25, she’s 35. If she says 18, she’s 12. If she says 35, she’s high school besties with Betty White. XXX mathematics. “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” As if having sex with a complete stranger on camera wasn’t enough. And unlike a Dwight Howard press conference, there’s no time for the interviewee to hit the locker room before the big game. Instead, she’s greeted by some fully erect dude with a barbed wire tattoo. I think that’s how interviews should conclude in all media.
4. The Weird Advertisements
Click any vid on YouJizz. Before you see as much as a bare shoulder, your screen becomes inundated with filthy pop-ups. Classics like “INCREASE YOUR SIZE”- which features a Justin Bieber-lookalike showing off what appears to be soggy turkey sub. Or who can forget the bootleg-looking Instant Message window from SexyStranger2000, who’s all too eager “get to know each other by CLICKING HERE”. My personal favorite whoever, are the XXX cartoons. I didn’t know there was a high demand to watch Peter Griffin give Meg a reach-around, but to each his own. Which leads me to my next topic.
3. The Fetishes
Internet Law Number 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. From Amateurs to Webcams (Okay, so there is no “Z” smut…yet), Google has got you covered. It’s actually been detrimental to my sex life. I’ve become desensitized. I can’t get even remotely excited without at seeing at least one midget covered in Pepto Bismol. On the real though, I don’t get these dudes who are into the anime. It’s everywhere, so someone has to be watching it. Schoolgirls, I get. But robot tentacles? Come on now.
2. The Names
Picking your adult entertainment name is way more involved then remembering the childhood street you grew up on and your mom’s maiden name. There’s the classic alliterations- your Kayden Kross, Asa Akiras and Jenaveve Jolies. How about picking from the palette? Colorful names like Tori Black, Jennifer White, and Sasha Grey. Then you’ve got your sexy nouns like Ryder or Pumper or Steele. What would my name be? Jeff Penis. Simple and to the point. Johnny Sins could be a porn dude or a punk rocker. But Jeff Penis- you know what he’s all about from the jump. Either Jeff Penis or Norman Rosenthal. No name is sexier than Norman Rosenthal.
1. When The Camera Cuts To The Guy
When I watch XXX videos, it’s kind of like Russian roulette. I’m not homophobic by any means, but when I’m beating off and the director opts to a wide-angle shot of the male performer’s bare ass, I can’t help but feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure why they do this, but they always do. Also, nothing is more distracting than an overly vocal dude in porn. I’ve got this covered; I don’t need your grunts of encouragement, bro. I know some guys who are so thrown off by the male actor that they exclusively stick to lesbians. Perhaps the most awkward moment in smut is climaxing when they cut to the guy’s face. Anyway you put it, you just achieved orgasm at the sight of another man doing the same. That’s gay in any language. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
So clearly, you know what I’ll be doing during this Hurricane. Got any other classic adult film features? Things you love? Things you hate? Did all this talk of me rubbing one out ruin your day? Make it better? Are you hoping your power doesn’t go out so you can do the same? Leave your thoughts, feelings, and Hurricane Sandy farewells in the comments section!
Krum is an NYC based comedian and you can follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom