After catching an article in the New York Daily News regarding Ozzy Osbourne's ability to still exist — scientists think he has some genetic mutations (not even f*cking with you) — it got us thinking about all the other famous faces who, year after year, defy the reaper even though their actions or past actions should have taken them from us a long time ago. (Note: this list does not include anyone with unstoppable diseases or birth handicaps. I don't believe in karma and I'm f*cked up, but not that f*cked up.)
Below are some of the most notorious celebrities who love to dabble in foul play or simply escape death's wrath. They are in no particular order as I figured ranking who should be the most dead would make this list too morbid.
The prince of darkness sums up his life in one eloquent swoop: “Given the swimming pools of booze I've guzzled over the years — not to mention all the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills, cough syrup, LSD, Rohypnol, you name it — there is really no plausible medical reason why I should be alive.”
The STP front man may have had no regard for his personal lubricant but I'd bet he'd never let flies get into his heroin.
She survived the meth and cocaine but the same can't be said about her nasal cavity. Do you even know how much blow you need to snort for that nose collapse to f*cking happen? Neither do I.
Forget his drug use for a minute and just let his appearance sink in. Save for children under the age of 8, no human being, other than Richards, is capable of surviving at a mere 60 lbs. Remarkable.
Only a woman this gorgeous could release an album entitled “Beautiful on the Inside.” I wonder if it was before or after she snorted, shot, and swallowed all the heroin, oxycontin, cocaine, and booze?
In 2005, MSNBC actually reported that he died due to complications of the liver, brought on by a half-gallon-a-day vodka habit. For the record, he's not dead. His liver probably has more spots than Morgan Freeman's face but he's not dead.
John and Slash could probably spend days, if not weeks, swapping stories and debating not only about who has swilled more booze but who smoked more cartons of cigs as well.
Steve-O (honorable mention to the rest of the Jackass cast)
He has ingested everything. From Ajax to animal shit. And yet, he forges on. Brav-O.
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston
Can anyone guess what these two smoked after sex?
There was a point in time when hearing about her tailspin and seeing her bald head became so annoying that I truly wished she would just f*cking die. Do I regret that sentiment? No.
No one in Hollywood has the ability of learning from the mistakes of others. Just a year or so after Britney spun out of control, Lohan followed suit. Am I slowly getting tired of this dipshit's continued existence? Yep, I sure am.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Although he has cleaned up his act, once upon a time all RDJ loved was that sweet Lady Cane.
The Crypt Keeper here, once claimed to snort cocaine — that he accidentally spilled — out of his dog's fur. That kind of dedication is no accident.
You have to wonder how many times he raped himself before the cops finally caught him slipping GHB into his own drinks.
Magic, indeed. When this guy contracted HIV, it was in the height of the nationwide scare, when others stood no chance. This goes to show that money can buy just about anything.
He took 9, count 'em, 9 bullets and lived to tell about it… with a slight slur from the one that hit him in the face.
It's hard to believe that someone's dick has been inside of that. She looks like she has mange.
Sheen isn't some bush-league singles hitter. He swings for the fences. His resume includes drug and alcohol abuse, sex addiction, and human abductions. All that on his rap sheet and yet he still commands $1.8 million per episode. Where the f*ck did Emilio go wrong?
This was almost a grave oversight. I couldn't live with myself if I ever omitted (and insulted) a man whose autobiography is entitled ”The Heroin Diaries” and has been pronounced clinically dead.
Pretty much any bodybuilder or WWE wrestler who is still living from the '70s and '80s is on borrowed time.
Heidi and Spencer
Just wishful thinking.
Who'd I miss? Sound Off in the Comments…