Rock stars, thespians, and even ex-athletes are usually some of the most self-mutilating people on Earth. They live a life of grotesque excess all in the name of a good-f*cking-time. That isn't to say everyone wrapped in fame is a degenerate drug addict with underlying affection issues, but some stars are even more self-destructive than a memo from Chief Quimby. They spend decades of their lives treating their bodies with malcontent and then John Q. Public acts like its a f*ckin' shock when these people's immune systems throw in the towel and succ*mb to those past years, or their unflappable continuance, of "partying like a rock star."
That old hackneyed phrase — used by men in their mid-40s and douchebags on their way to Vegas — reminds me of something a landlord once told me and one of my other roommates in college. As we stood in his law office (hint: this is another moron lawyer I had the pleasure of dealing with in my life), he said, "Boys, let me give you some advice. If you live with the crows, you're gonna die with the crows. You know what I mean?" And while I am certain that was a blatantly racist comment regarding my African-American roommates' late rent check (no joke, I only wish I had recorded him saying it for blackmail purposes), that mantra rings true when you talk about the habitual drug abuse and immortal behavioral patterns that runs rampant in Celebrityville.
After catching an article in the New York Daily News regarding Ozzy Osbourne's ability to still exist — scientists think he has some genetic mutations (not even f*cking with you) — it got us thinking about all the other famous faces who, year after year, defy the reaper even though their actions or past actions should have taken them from us a long time ago. (Note: this list does not include anyone with unstoppable diseases or birth handicaps. I don't believe in karma and I'm f*cked up, but not that f*cked up.)
Below are some of the most notorious celebrities who love to dabble in foul play or simply escape death's wrath. They are in no particular order as I figured ranking who should be the most dead would make this list too morbid.
The prince of darkness sums up his life in one eloquent swoop: "Given the swimming pools of booze I've guzzled over the years — not to mention all the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills, cough syrup, LSD, Rohypnol, you name it — there is really no plausible medical reason why I should be alive."
The STP front man may have had no regard for his personal lubricant but I'd bet he'd never let flies get into his heroin.
She survived the meth and cocaine but the same can't be said about her nasal cavity. Do you even know how much blow you need to snort for that nose collapse to f*cking happen? Neither do I.
Forget his drug use for a minute and just let his appearance sink in. Save for children under the age of 8, no human being, other than Richards, is capable of surviving at a mere 60 lbs. Remarkable.
Only a woman this gorgeous could release an album entitled "Beautiful on the Inside." I wonder if it was before or after she snorted, shot, and swallowed all the heroin, oxycontin, cocaine, and booze?
In 2005, MSNBC actually reported that he died due to complications of the liver, brought on by a half-gallon-a-day vodka habit. For the record, he's not dead. His liver probably has more spots than Morgan Freeman's face but he's not dead.
John and Slash could probably spend days, if not weeks, swapping stories and debating not only about who has swilled more booze but who smoked more cartons of cigs as well.
Steve-O (honorable mention to the rest of the Jackass cast)
He has ingested everything. From Ajax to animal shit. And yet, he forges on. Brav-O.