Remember when your Saturday mornings were dictated by cartoons? Ya know, the simpler times. Before responsibilities, functioning alcoholism and unprotected sex, that’s what we had. Well, it turns out the cartoons that we watched were more Bro than we could have ever imagined.
10. Tommy Pickles – Rugrats
The only reason Tommy is in the ten spot is because we unfortunately have the gift of foresight. “Rugrats: All Grown Up” was the equivalent of Michael Jordan playing for the Wizards, which we all agreed didn’t happen. If we never found out what Tommy turned into, he may have ranked higher because he just fucking loved adventuring.
9. Michelangelo – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Michelangelo was wildly irresponsible, ate pizza all of the time, wielded nunchucks and, for all intents and purposes, smoked a lot of pot. Minus the whole “being a biped turtle” thing, he could have very well fit in at your frat. “Damn, that high-ass turtle stole my girl again” – you at some mixer.
8. Eric Cartman – South Park
Arguably the biggest asshole to ever appear on television, Eric Cartman has been a staple in our lives for almost twenty years. Think about it—without him you wouldn’t be the foul-mouthed degenerate that you are today. Even though Cartman most assuredly deteriorated our youth and probably single-handedly destroyed our generation, we can’t help but respect his impact. Kinda like Internet porn. Kinda.
7. Johnny Bravo – Johnny Bravo
Johnny Bravo was the modern-day Pepé Le Pew. Sure, some of his tactics tip-toed the line of assault, but dammit if he wasn’t consistent. You think rejection shut him down? Shit was borderline inspiring from a “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” perspective. Also, his flow was absolutely bonkers. Some of the most effective staying-gel on the planet, I’m sure.
6. Otto Rocket – Rocket Power
After Otto Rocket called people who wore shoes on the beach “Shoebies,” I never wore shoes on the beach ever again. I can’t tell you why I was rattled by a cartoon character, but it happened and it’s the cross that I bear. Otto represented the Cali bro—the fellas that surfed, skateboarded, used made-up words, and still got girls. Woogity woogity, indeed.
5. T.J. Detweiler – Recess
No one rallied the troops quite like T.J. Detweiler. Presumably a terrible student with an undying love of tetherball and monkey bars. It doesn’t get more pure than that. Sidenote: if T.J. Detweiler didn’t go on to play QB for his varsity football team in high school, I’d be absolutely shocked. Names don’t get more quarterback-ish than that.
4. Doug Funnie – Doug
Doug was me and Doug was you. Doug was everyone and that’s why he was great. He was just trying to take things one day at a time while being a crime fighter, lead singer in a band and being a stud field goal kicker. You know, standard stuff. Plus, we all had that Patty Mayonaise in our lives, you guys. The girl that was always just out of reach. Every episode was spent rooting for that poor bastard and that’s why we loved it.
3. Bart Simpson – The Simpsons
Bart Simpson was the first bad-ass kid that most of us ever experienced in the cartoon world. He’s been writing on the chalkboard every Sunday for 25 years now, so, technically, he’s older than just about every person reading this, which is staggering and sad (for me, because I’m old as shit apparently). Bart is an OG and, based on limited creative resources over the years, has literally been every type of Bro there is at some point or another.
2. Arnold – Hey Arnold
If you go about your life not actively trying to live it like Arnold, you’re probably doing it wrong. Dude had a remote that flipped out his couch and turned on his stereo. I don’t even understand the technology behind a remote-controlled flip-couch, but I never wanted anything more. That and he had Helga breathing down his jock every 30 seconds (yeah, she had a unibrow and was gross, but any female stalker is a good stalker). And as a black guy myself, I appreciate that his best friend was Gerald. That did not go unnoticed, Arnold.
1. Sterling Archer – Archer
I’m pretty sure this show was purely built around Archer being the ultra Bro. Like, they didn’t even know what the plot of Archer was going to be, but they did know that he was going to be a lacrosse player that got a ton of ass. Solid starting point. Archer proves that when you use bro-life as a default, the plot basically writes itself. The show wouldn’t be the success that it is without his bro-antics and that is case in point why Sterling is the king of the cartoon Bros.
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