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Here’s What It Looks Like to Become Public Enemy #1 of Taylor Swift Superfans

By / 08.26.14

TaylorKiller1

Last week, I went to Taylor Swift’s apartment and had pizza with her. If you haven’t read about it, it’s the “greatest work of non-fiction since Maya Angelou’s I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.” Check it out here.

We all caught up? Great. So, we posted the article last Tuesday, and while I thought it portrayed Taylor in the praiseworthy light she so rightly deserved, some Taylor Swift fans (aka Swifties) did not seem to think as positively about it. At first, I thought they were merely upset about the couple typos I later caught, but as the angry tweets continued to roll in, I had to accept the fact that a lot of Swifties were simply not fans of my story.

Rather than relay to you secondhand the types of things I was being called, I thought it would probably do it more justice to just show you. Took me a while, but I combed through the angry tweets (some directed at me, others just conversations between Swifties), and pasted them below for your perusal.

I’ve blurred their Twitter handles because I don’t want you animals harassing a bunch of (presumably) dumb teenagers.

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Threatening murder AND calling me gay. Really covering all your shitty person bases, huh? And for the record, Covucci and I aren’t sleeping together. We’re just co-workers… for now. We’re taking things slow and whatever happens happens.

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“My interests include Taylor Swift music and using knives for stabbing purposes.” 

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#WhitePeopleProblems

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I’m actually kinda down to let this person slap me. Tweet me and we can set up a time to film it. Would be a funny bit for the website.

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HEY! That’s rude! Only I’m allowed to judge others based on their appearance!

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Holy jeez. I hope she didn’t “literally” follow through on this, and if she did, I apologize to whoever the somebody was that was murdered in cold blood as a result of my article.

Tweet32
Where am I supposed to go? YOU’RE…ALL…I…HAVE!

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Okay, now you’re just reciting Taylor Swift lyrics. Like I’m not gonna notice! 

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Well, the article wasn’t deleted, and it turns out that the “something” was revealed to be “nothing.” Actually, I ordered chicken fingers at Yankee Stadium the other day, and I got four instead of the usual five that come with the meal, so if that was you, you’re a sadistic sonofabitch.

Tweet29
Touché, touché.

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I’m not sure which part of the article was really “disgusting,” other than mentioning that I got lunch from a Halal cart before the event. That street meat is pretty questionable.

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Yeah, I’ve started to gather as such.

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It seems that Taylor’s message of bullying and hate is being read loud and clear by her fans. 

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This one might shadily be my favorite because of the way it presents me like I’m some terrorist. “THIS ALL COULD’VE BEEN AVOIDED!”

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Guess who just found a new About Me for Facebook!!!

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I think these Swifties need to learn to “wrote”.

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Oh man, that’d be so cool!

These are all from the same person – 
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I’d like to apologize to my co-workers for bankrupting BroBible and leaving all of them destitute. We should’ve thought twice before having an entirely Taylor Swift-related advertising strategy. You live and you learn.

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Yeah, I think I mentioned how awkward I felt roughly seventy-two times throughout the article.

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I’m sensing sarcasm here. I would feel worse about this if you didn’t refer to me as an “asshole”.

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Wow, really? You’ve led an extremely sheltered life. Don’t ever google “two girls, one cup.”

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Not sure what this one means, but I’m gonna assume it translates as “Asshole! He didn’t even appreciate the experience. I have to admit that he looks kinda handsome though, omg, I would love for him to make me pregnant ;0)”

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I drove this Swiftie to cuss and I feel pretty broken up about it.

Some attempts to spread vitriol backfired, as some potential haters were quickly turned into fans -
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Not the response she was looking for, I spose.

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Appreciate the same girl from the last tweet swooping in to clear up what emotions this person should be feeling.

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I’m actually fully behind this “maybe men who are not teens shouldn’t be allowed to hang with taylor…” sentiment. I’d even take it a step forward and say they should be sent to therapy and/or arrested.

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“I’m a human being not a ‘swiftie’…” is a top three quote from tweets I received.

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“Worst thing EVER“??? Ever heard of the Holocaust, lady?

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The most offensive thing here is this girl claiming that Taylor wouldn’t want me. YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!!!!!

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You know what makes Swifties look worse than my article? Their propensity to threaten murder and torture to those who defy them.  

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Now you just sound like my dad. 

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I would love to see who else is on this list if it exists.

One hero was willing to speak out when it was unpopular to do so. Ladies and gentlemen, please applaud BrianSwiftie, who actually stands for what Taylor Swift advocates!
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And to answer your question, yes, I favorited each and every single one of these tweets. Not everyone appreciated the favorite though
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What fun! I don’t think I need to point out the irony of the superfans of a singer whose entire image revolves around being nice tweeting such mean and aggressive things at me. I actually started to get addicted to the attention. I relished in the negativity because it made me feel important that anyone even cared what I said, and now that I have nobody calling me a perv or threatening to kill me, I feel like a total loser again. Sigh. I’m hoping to someday find a way to crash a Justin Bieber event. I hear those Beliebers are downright vicious.

The one thing I did feel bad about, which some readers mentioned, was that I took the spot of someone who would’ve appreciated it way more than me. I completely agree and do feel a little shitty about that, but like I mentioned multiple times in my story, when I entered the contest, I had no idea what I was trying to win, and neither did any of the other fans. To come down on me for attending a mystery event from a contest I won is ridiculous, and you all would’ve gone too.

Did you notice the best part about most of those tweets? They shared the shit out of my article! I probably got more reads from Swifties than all of you brutes, so for that, I thank them. If I can give Swifties (and all fans of faux-outrage, for that matter) a piece of advice – if you’re genuinely offended by something, ignore it. Negative attention just draws more eyes to it.

I also don’t want everyone to think that these are the only tweets I received. It was entertaining to get those types of tweets because it was a novelty for me, but for every negative tweet I got, I probably got three positive ones from people identifying themselves as Swifties telling me how funny they thought the article was. It was nice to see that it’s not a completely humorless fandom! To all those people who tweeted those nice things at me, thank you, and I apologize for unknowingly stealing your once in a lifetime opportunity.


TAGSmean tweetsTaylor Swift
Brandon Cohen
About Brandon Cohen... Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.

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