WOW – two shitty fan bases have joined up for one awful festival! The Electronic Sriracha Festival will take place Labor Day weekend at St. James Park in San Jose, California, and I, for one, will be as far from San Jose as possible.
The website for the event doesn’t have many details, as the lineup hasn’t even been announced, but they promise “3 stages of electronic music, 4 bars, and 120 Sriracha-infused dishes.”
I’m sure a ton of you are currently blowing your load over this announcement, but to me, combining EDM and Sriracha is like Lucifer mating with Hitler in Hell. Any average EDM festival is my kryptonite, but throw in an exclusively Sriracha-based menu, my most loathed condiment, and it becomes truly insufferable. It’s not that I detest Sriracha that much (I do), but I’m more incensed by the rabid, cult-like following that Sriracha has somehow amassed.
No other condiment has managed to garner such an annoying, vocal fan base. You don’t see me constantly talking about honey mustard, trying to convert non-honey mustard fans, or keeping honey mustard in my man purse. Just in case you weren’t aware, you are allowed to quietly be a fan of Sriracha.
Enjoy your devil festival, you heathens.