On Thursday of last week, I attended the premiere of TED at the Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. As I’m sure you know by now, the movie is from Family Guy Creator Seth McFarlane, and if you like Family Guy, then you will definitely like this. It’s about a teddy bear that comes to life after a boy (young Wahlberg) makes a wish. Twenty years later, Teddy (McFarlane) has gone from cute and cuddly, like a kid, to a ridiculous ex-child star pothead that nails hookers, slams beers, swears a lot, and is pretty hysterical all around. Also, there are a lot of Jewish jokes and pop culture references relating to Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner - pretty standard stuff, really.

Wahlberg gave a fairly solid performance as the immature nice guy. It reminded me of his character from Fear only without the awesome psychotic side that made the movie great and I strived to emulate throughout my youth. In Ted, his character wishes to mature in order to please his girlfriend, but then Ted lures him back into his childish ways with pot, alcohol and Flash Gordon sightings. Damn you, who likes to have fun and share your drugs! When is someone going to make a movie about the guy who badly wants to stay immature for his best friend, but his evil girlfriend keeps luring him back into being an adult? This is why men date younger women, ladies - because the young ones appreciate getting high, and having fun. And there tits and asses hold up when naked.

While we are on the topic, I had a phone interview with Jessica Stroup from the movie who sounded super cute so I completely went off topic and inappropriately asked her what kind of guys she’s into. She said she doesn’t like guys who try too hard and that in LA, a lot of guys do (that is so true, Jessica). Her main response was that looks fade and guys with a sense of humor and good personality will win her over faster… a guy like Ted for instance. But then I saw the movie and Ted gives a facial to himself when picking up a girl, so I think there was a mixed message here. She also said she likes guys that use Axe because it smells good, and not because they sponsored the premier and had a gun to her head the entire time. Oh, I Google-imaged her and she is, in fact, hot. Deserved more face and body time in Ted, for sure.

As for Mila Kunis, she looked cute in the movie, but she looked HOT in real life. She was wearing a black dress that was basically painted on and after she left the theater I saw about eight guys fighting to smell the seat where she was sitting - complete losers, but also very strong. Her character is sort of hard to like in Ted because she is constantly bitching to Wahlberg about little shit like “having a job” and “not having whores over” and all that crap girls complain about. But, she looks good so you get why Wahlberg wants to stay with her and that’s really all that matters.

As for the after party, it sucked. View was good, but Ted didn’t even make an appearance.

Shout out to Axe for having me. I always enjoy pretending I am important at these things! And then driving home in my Honda with a really drunk girl that thinks it is a Mercedes. If you want a good laugh, check out the new Axe commercial below starring Ted himself. I love that f*cking Bear.