by Toby Davis on January 1, 2014

1. Mighty Duck Dynasty

The Pitch: Jesus Christ, I’m tired of hearing about the Duck Dynasty guys. An older dude from the South doesn’t like what dudes are doing with other dude’s butts, and it makes national news and blankets my Facebook news feed for weeks. So instead of renewing this boring show, we’ll start a new reality show that follows all of the old stars of The Mighty Ducks as they train to become a real hockey team. Each week we’ll watch as the old cast members become more confident skating on the ice, challenging new and more skilled competitors each week. We’ll also see some of the lesser known stars try to bring up their Mighty Ducks past into casual conversation on blind dates.

Old Slogan: “They gone” (as in I wish they were gone from TV)

New Slogan: ”Flying V to the V”

2. Not Keeping Up With the Kardashians

The Pitch: I’ve never watched a full episode of Keeping Up With the Kardsashians, but I still somehow know more about them than I know some of my own family members. I propose a new show that features only material that is not related to the Kardashians by at least 6 degrees. It would be an opposite version of “The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” if you will. The new show would most likely feature people that had a lot of skills and talents since. This separates them from the Kardashians as much as possible. The more elaborate part of this plan would be creating an application for your phone, laptop, and TV that automatically blocks out any information that relates to the Kardashians.

Old Slogan: “I had sex and taped it once? We don’t have enough talent in our family to come up with one”

New Slogan: “Ohhh, so this is talent”

3. Softcore Pawn

The Pitch: Contrary to Detroit’s rough and dangerous Hardcore Pawn, Softcore Pawn would take place in a quiet pawn shop outside of Someplace, Wyoming. Hardcore Pawn featured a lot of empty threats of gun violence and knife play that people in the store never went through with. These empty threats will be replaced with the very real threats of not inviting the store owner’s kid to Jimmy’s next birthday party.

Old Slogan: ”You never know what’s in store”

New Slogan: “You know what’s in store”

4. Hoarding Little People: Big Trouble

The Pitch: This reality show combines two current reality shows (Hoarding: Buried Alive, and Little People, Big World) into one incredible new pitch. The show would feature people with addictive hoarding behavior, but the unique thing is that they're addicted to hoarding little people. It may be a bit harder to find potential hoarders addicted to this particular kind of hoarding, but we’ll start with circus owners and go from there. Also, the “big trouble” refers to the part later in the show when the offenders are eventually confronted and arrested for their crimes. Chris Hansen will host of course, inviting the suspects into a house that features a fresh small person decoy, sweet tea, and 3-5 years for human trafficking.  

Old Slogan: “Buried alive”

New Slogan: ”This guy is hoarding me, and I can’t get out of this six foot hole because I’m too short”

5. What Isn’t Ryan Lochte Doing

The Pitch: What Would Ryan Lochte Do was the first time that I’ve ever felt a hate toward someone whose won a gold medal (that includes non-USA winners). I've included a commercial for his old show to show you why. Memory loss is a common PTSD symptom, so I apologize if you had blacked this out of your memory. Notice at about the ten second mark when Ryan Lochte shows the camera his custom shoes that help him remember his own name.  he shoes also double as a helpful way for strangers to identify who he is when he gets lost.

The new reality show What Isn’t Ryan Lochte Doing would focus on various different activities that Ryan Lochte isn’t doing, giving the viewer an idea of what he or she should probably be doing as well.  If Ryan Lochte is doing something, you don’t want to be a part of it, and this show provides people with the guidelines needed so that they don’t accidentally do something Ryan Lochte is doing. Each week the viewer would learn valuable skills that Ryan Lochte hasn’t learned such as tying a tie, tying your shoes, and learning how to read.

Old Catchphrase: “Jeah”

New Catchphrase: “Don’t”

Close Runner Ups: Survivor: The Third World, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’s Type 2 Diabetes

Toby Davis is a comedian originally from the plains of South Dakota and has been alive ever since birth. Follow him on Twitter here, or like his Facebook page