Entertainment
by Jimmy T on February 27, 2014

margot-robbie-wolf-of-wall-street

With the 86th Academy Awards coming this Sunday, I thought it’d be fitting to write something predicting the winners in each of the major categories.

Nah just kidding, I don’t care who wins and somebody on the site already did that. Instead we’re going in a slightly different direction. I will indeed be picking winners, but winners of fake categories that I made up and that don’t exist. You won’t find any best actor or best supporting actress nominees here, but you will, however, find out what movie in 2013 made white people feel the worst about themselves. In fact, some of these categories don’t even have winners, they’re just grouped together based on whatever asinine category I assigned to them. Should I stop smoking weed? No, no I should not.

And now, the nominees for Jimmy T’s 2014 Completely Made Up Oscars…

(Winners in bold)

Movie That Made White People Feel The Worst About Themselves:

  • 42
  • 12 Years a Slave
  • Fruitvale Station

See, I told you you’d find out which movie made white people feel the worst about themselves in 2013. As bad as it was gunning down a 22-year-old on a train platform without justification and not letting a guy play baseball just because he’s black, I think slavery gets the nod here for the worst portrayal of white assholedom in Hollywood this year.

Most Talked About Movie On Social Media

  • The Wolf of Wall Street
  • Lone Survivor
  • Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
  • Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

To me this came down to Lone Survivor versus Anchorman 2. I feel like every single dude who saw Lone Survivor posted or tweeted “Lone Survivor was such a badass movie” like the second the end credits started rolling. Anchorman 2 wins here though based on the fact that it was getting hyped on every blog, commercial, and twitter feed literally a YEAR before it even came out.

Worst Sequel

  • Scary Movie 5
  • Grown Ups 2
  • Tyler Perry’s a Madea Christmas

I know technically the Madea movie isn’t a sequel, but Jesus Christ enough with those movies already. I ended up going with Grown Ups 2 though because Adam Sandler has put out like what, 27 pieces of shit in a row now, and I for one am tired of it. I get that he’s getting paid a ton of money to star in ridiculous movies with gorgeous women that require absolutely no preparation whatsoever—so if I were in his spot I’d be doing the exact same thing—but I just refuse to accept that this is the same guy who gave us Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore.

Movie Where Jennifer Lawrence’s Tits Looked The Best

  • The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
  • American Hustle
  • The Devil You Know

Let’s take a look..

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

oscars-2

The Devil You Know

oscars-3

American Hustle

oscars-8

Wanna guess which of these three is the only one I saw? You can’t give J-Law sports bra boobs and expect me to pony up $12 to see it in theaters.

Worst Movie Currently on HBO

  • Identity Thief
  • The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
  • Warm Bodies 

Remember that Adam Sandler rant a few paragraphs back? Ditto for Jim Carrey. This movie is so bad I almost want to cancel HBO and miss out on True Detective only so I don’t have to see this piece of shit pop up on the guide anymore. Here’s to hoping he TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF in November with the Dumb and Dumber sequel.

Most Awesome Movie If It Happened In Real Life

  • This is the End
  • The Purge
  • Last Vegas

Really tough choice here. Let me break down each of the other two plots real quick so you can see what Last Vegas went up against. In This is the End, pretty much every funny celebrity on the planet is partying at James Franco’s house when the rapture (end of the world) starts happening. In The Purge, all crime is legal for 24 hours. I found the idea fascinating enough to do a writeup on my own blog when the movie first came out.

The plot of Last Vegas is the most simple, but it’s also got the most potential. Imagine a crew of Douglas, Kline, DeNiro, and Freeman all in their 60′s tearing up Vegas for a bachelor party for an entire weekend? We already know Douglas loves eating pussy because he got cancer from it so he’s going to be living in the strip clubs all weekend. Kline is the least famous so he’s got the most to prove, making him the biggest wild card and most likely to get arrested. Sam Rothstein practically runs Vegas. And Morgan Freeman? Just looking at him you know he’s a sick fuck. If I directed this garbage I’d reshoot it in real life, slap an R rating on it, and watch the trillions roll in.

Movies That All Sounded Exactly The Same

  • World War Z
  • Pacific Rim
  • Elysium
  • Oblivion

Although there’s no real “winner” here, I picked Pacific Rim because I’m like 82% positive there’s been a movie called Pacific Rim before. Imagine you’re talking with a friend who’s recommending one of these movies to you, only he can’t remember the title:

“Yo dude, you gotta see this movie I watched the other day.”

“What movie?”

“Ah shit, can’t remember the name. It’s the one where the dude has to save the world from ending. It just came out last year.”

“Hmm, was it Pacific Rim?”

“Nah, that’s not it. He’s like the last guy on Earth and they send him on this mission to save the planet.”

“Oh I think you mean Oblivion.”

“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”

“Well who’s the main guy in it?”

“That dude from Ocean’s Eleven I think. Forgot to tell you it takes place in the future.”

“Ahh, got it, you’re talking about Elysium. Matt Damon lives in space and tries to restore Earth because it’s crumbling.”

“Yeah! That might be it, that movie had zombies right?”

“That’s World War Z with Brad Pitt. How could you confuse those?”

Movies That Actually Were Exactly The Same

  • Olympus Has Fallen
  • White House Down

Although to be fair, one had a black president and one had a white president, so there’s that.

Movies Melissa McCarthy Landed Because She Was Funny In Bridesmaids

  • The Hangover 3
  • The Heat
  • Identity Thief

To be clear, I don’t have a problem with Melissa McCarthy, I think she’s OK and yes, she was definitely funny in Bridesmaids. But this is a slippery slope here: The first couple of self-deprecating fat jokes and f-bomb rants were funny, but now Hollywood is shoving her in our faces, and let’s be real, this is not a girl I want shoved in my face. They should keep her in bit roles where she makes funny cameos, and not costar her in buddy comedies with Jason Bateman ever again because that movie was awful.

Best Nude Scene

  • Amanda Seyfried (Lovelace)
  • Margot Robbie (Wolf of Wall Street)
  • Leonardo DiCaprio (Wolf of Wall Street)

Nice segway now that you’re horny from all that Melissa McCarthy talk. I’m gonna leave it up to my editor to determine whether or not he wants to link any of those scenes. I wanted to give this to Leo because his ass was just superb, but “Margot Robbie Naked” autocompletes on my browser search bar at like the first “r,” so yeah, I liked that scene.

Most Testosterone

  • Fast & Furious 6
  • Lone Survivor
  • 2 Guns
  • A Good Day to Die Hard
  • Pain & Gain

oscars-4

Definitely one of the tougher calls I had to make since we’ve got five strong nominees here. The clincher for me was that Pain and Gain had one of the most hilariously bro movie posters of all time.

Best Movie To Hook Up To In Your Girlfriend’s Parents’ Basement

  • The Internship
  • Delivery Man
  • Admission

Congrats to Vince Vaughn for owning 66% of the category containing movies that are light-hearted enough that you can watch them with your girlfriend, but not funny or important enough where you have to actually pay attention to them, so you just keep them on in the background while you finger your girlfriend in her parents’ basement.

Blah Blah Superhero Blah Blah

  • Iron Man 3
  • Man of Steel 
  • Thor: The Dark World
  • The Wolverine

Another fucking Superman movie? Do people still watch superhero movies? I mean I looked at the box office numbers from last year so I know they do, but why? Every one of the superheroes has like five different sequels now and different actors portraying them in every movie. The last superhero movie I saw in theaters was Spiderman 2 and it’ll probably be the last one I ever go to.

Lifetime Achievement Award

  • Jennifer Aniston (We’re The Millers)

Let’s take a moment to honor one of the most consistently sexy women the Academy has ever seen, one Jennifer Fucking Aniston, who only in the last few years has started taking off almost all her clothes in almost every movie she’s in, a career move I just cannot argue with.

oscars-5

oscars-6

oscars-7

Funniest Movie of the Year

  • We’re the Millers
  • Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
  • The Hangover Part III
  • Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
  • This is the End

This is the closest I have to a real category and I’m including it so that anyone reading this who hasn’t seen the Michael Cera cameo in This is the End can go watch it right fucking now.

Biggest Ovation During The In Memoriam Tribute

  • James Gandolfini
  • Paul Walker
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman

Last fake category of the night and it’s the only one that has to do with the actual Oscars show this Sunday. For those of you who don’t regularly watch the Oscars, every year they do about a 10-minute tribute compilation video for every Hollywood figure who died the previous year. Usually the really old guys and the producers that nobody really knew get muted applause, while famous actors and younger people will garner actual audible reactions.

This year is one of the most unique in recent memory for this segment, because we have THREE extremely notable, not-at-all-expected-to-die actors to be honored. The reason I think PSH will get the biggest applause is because the dude JUST died and because he was unarguably the best serious actor of the three, so in a room like that he’ll probably be the most appreciated. If this were the Hottest Dude Ever Awards I could make a case for Paul Walker and if it were some banquet hall in Hoboken I’d give the nod to Gandolfini, but I think the Academy gives this one to Hoffman.

Jimmy T is a regular columnist for BroBible. He runs the blog Jimmy’s Very Unusual.