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The Academy Awards Nominees Swag Bag Had $85,000 Worth of Useless Shit in It

By / 03.03.14

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I think someone is punking America because this swag bag looks like a fucking joke. It’s got to be a joke, right? The contents are obviously real things, but they seems like horrible gag gifts. Are they serious with a “Trip to Las Vegas including tickets to shows, backstage passes to meet Meatloaf and Boyz II Men and two nights at the Riviera Penthouse Suite”? Or how aboutA DVD advertising cash off the services of aspiring film maker Charles Van Loucks,” valued at $50? They can’t be. No possible way this list is real life.

Per the Daily Mail:

1. DrainWig plug that prevents hair clogging the drain – $6.49
2. Fabric wrap from European company Wrag Wrap – $15
3. Organic pet shampoo from Simon’s Happy Pet – $15
4. Six-pack of Naked Luxury condoms – $20
5. Three-in-one dry-cleaning bags from Green Garmento – $23
6. Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple products from HISY – $24.99
7. AVIV 613 Vodka – $30
8. Herbal tea-based lollipops from Dosha Pops – $35
9. Hydroxycut weight loss gummies, protein bars, and shakes – $38.96
10. ‘Honey’ made from organic apples from Bee Free Honee – $39
11. Tea from Blossom Blends – $49.95
12. ‘Loaded: The Story of a Ghost’ graphic novel – $49.95
13. A DVD advertising cash off the services of aspiring film maker Charles Van Loucks – $50
14. Dinnerware from Slimware – $59
15. Cannonball Wines – $60
16. Caramels and sweets from Betty Jane Candies – $69.75
17. Candles that double as perfume and warm massage oil from Objects with Purpose – $70
18. Horse shampoo and conditioner made for human hair from Mane ‘N Tail – $95.35
19. Beauty products from M3K Beauty – $100
20. Organic makeup products by Diane Capt – $105
21. Activity tracker from Polar Loop – $109.95
22. Go Pro hair dryer from Coolway – $120
23. Two Mace pepper guns – $120
24. Accessories from CherryT Knit & Co. $158
25. Hookahzz E-Cigarettes and E-Liquids – $162
26. Shellfish knife set – $185
27. Leather iPhone 5 case from Vetvik – $230
28. Leather purse from Jitseu. A $279
29. Portable camera and app from Narrative Clip – $279
30. Organic maple syrup from Rouge Maple – $280
31. Swiss-made Slow Watch – $290
32. Organic skin, body, and hair products from Acure – $300
33. Jan Lewis bangle bracelet made from wood shapes – $400
34. House call with acupuncturist and nutritionist Heather Lounsbury – $500
35. Lifetime membership to a meditation gym from Headspace.com – $500
36. Tickets to all-kid pro Cirque troupe, Le Petit Cirque – $575
37. Max Martin luxury shoes – $750
38. 10 personal training sessions with Huntley Drive Fitness – $850
39. Supplies from Epic Pet Health – $1,571.98
40. Five-night stay at the Koloa Landing Resort in Hawaii – $2,000
41. Home spa system from Steamist – $2560
42. ‘O-Shot’ procedure to help a woman’s sex drive – $2,700
43. Resort stay at the Imanta’s Ocean Casa suite in Mexico – $3,300
44. Water filtration system from Krystal Klear Water – $4895
45. Artworks from Gizara – $5,000
46. 10,000 meal donations from Ellen DeGeneres’ Halo Spot’s Stew pet food to a shelter of the nominee’s choice – $6,100
47. Two-day Rocky Mountaineer train excursion from Vancouver to Alberta in the Canadian Rockies – $6,850
48. Trip to Las Vegas including tickets to shows, backstage passes to meet Meatloaf and Boyz II Men and two nights at the Riviera Penthouse Suite – $9,000
49. Walking tour around Japan from Walk Japan – $15,000
50. ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System treatment – $16,000

The only things worth their salt in this swag bag are the trips and, of course, the “Two Mace pepper guns,” because temporarily blinding someone is always a lot of laughs.

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[Image via ShutterStock


TAGS2014 OscarsAcademy Awardsswag bag
J. Camm
About J. Camm... J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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