Taylor Swift is the reason I never want to have a girl if I ever have children. At 23, the girl is still using Lisa Frank stationary to write lyrics that sound like a stream of consciousness exercise your 7th grade creative writing teacher gave you. “I snuck out the window and went to the barn and opened the door and you were there and we started to kiss and we fell to the floor and the moon was so high on a southern night and it’s us against the world and my dad and then you put your hand on my boob and I started to cry and I said I’m not ready and you said you’re a bitch and you left me there and my mom said I told you so and THIS PERSON’S NAME IS JAKE GYLENNHAL”.
That is a Swifty song. In a nutshell. And she is making BANK for them. This is a chick who I genuinely believe has a secret bank account she is going to use to fund the bioengineering of unicorns. At 23, she has been tied to two dudes who are barely legal – Harry Styles of one of the countless, indiscernible boy bands from England, who is 18, and then a Kennedy who was a junior in high school when they started dating. You have 250 million dollars and you’re dating a kid who has a permit and a curfew. Seriously? I can’t with this one. I get why little girls in middle school like her, but I also have to wonder why at 23, you want to be able to relate to 12 year olds who are writing in their journals about John who they dated for 7 hours breaking up with them but it’s totes cool because Mike tweeted to her and they’re OMG so in luv4eva.
Taking the plunge from writing and singing about topics that are relevant to anyone who still watches Nickelodeon shows into topics that real women who are adults with jobs and no pet unicorns can relate to would give her a lift in my eyes. But I don’t expect that to happen any time soon. She’s too busy taking on real world issues guys, like OMG how she is soooo totally over her last BF and she will tell you all about this new hottie she met in 3rd period today at our sleepover Friday. Don’t forget your stuffed animals and matching princess PJs.
I admit, there was a time a few years ago that I actually kind of secretly liked Kim Kardashian. And I think a lot of people might secretly agree with me. Dudes used to think she was hot. Or at least hot enough to download the sex tape she had with Ray J. And to me, I used to think she was kind of business savvy with a solid relationship with her sisters – something I could relate to.
Now, I’m just like... meh. Between Kris Humphries and Kanye, this woman has solidified herself as one of the most irritating screechers on the planet. It’s a level of fame whoring I didn’t think existed, and I just think it’s an issue of being severely over exposed. She put a camera in her life and threw a script with it, especially with the whole Kris Humphries debacle, and now people are coming out against her on it and so she goes and gets knocked up with a dude who actually made me feel sorry once for Taylor Swift. A man who apparently doesn’t know how to turn the caps lock off on his keyboard.
She pours her pregnant self into outfits that make her look like a sausage someone might take a picture of because it’s weird shape kind of looks like Jesus. She denies the fact that her “reality” show wasn’t so real, even though it’s coming out in pieces that half that shit was scripted and edited. She acts like a victim of the paparazzi when in reality she is hiring crews to follower her around. I can’t find sympathy for her. If I had her money, I’d quietly go into a state non-existence and live on the beach for a few years doing pilates, figuring out how to get my ass proportionate with the rest of my body. Everyone is tired of seeing the Kardashians “taking” things: Miami, New York, divorce papers, men’s dignity, big black penises. Just stop.
This lip-biting, eye-fluttering, line stuttering hippie is the last on my list. For someone whose entire career is based on one of the most poorly written book series the world has ever seen, as well as the most obnoxiously anti-feminist character of all time, you’d swear she reinvented the fucking wheel. There is nothing this girl won’t roll her eyes at – award shows, red carpets, interviews, junkets. You know, shit famous people kind of have to do to stay famous. She wears a pair of converse kicks with a $7000 gown and thinks she’s being bad ass because of it. Because clearly she’s so above conventional fashion and trends. She doesn’t shower, she doesn’t smile. She is one of those obnoxious weed smokers who thinks she’s better than you because she does drugs. Bitch please, you were caught letting an old married dude go down on you in a Mini Cooper in a parking lot like a preacher’s daughter. The dignity you think you have in wearing a backwards cap and flipping off the paps isn’t real.
I don’t understand the hype in this girl because she basically reminds me of Dana from "Homeland" with a thinner nose. She’s always biting her lip, looking nervous, pulling at her clothes and mumbling. She comes off as too good for anything and totally ungrateful for the opportunities she’s been given. In every movie, she seems to play the same character. A timid, unsure young woman who blinks a lot and runs her hand through her hair and looks awkward. Hi, where can I sign up to make millions of dollars to do that, because I am pretty sure I would kill it.
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