There was a point in time where ginger was the new hot. Where Long Island was the new LA. And it was strictly because of Lindsay Lohan. Parlaying a kid star career to a teen dream career, Lindsay Lohan was the girl every guy wanted to bang, and ever girl wanted to be back in the early 2000. She was hot, fresh, talented, and she lived what seemed to be a sick life full of parties and interviews and shopping. As a native Long Islander, I envied her for the fame she created for herself.
Flash forward to 2013, and most girls would rather live the life Lena Dunham is living in her show “Girls”, and most guys would rather fuck a Fleshlight covered in razor blades. After a string of shitty movies, a couple of DUI’s, some coke possession charges, a few missed court appearances, a hundred or so lip injections, a dysfunctional “one time only” lesbian affair and two parents who make being raised by rabid wolves look like a desirable childhood (among probably 900 other issues I missed), this chick has lost any kind of credibility she once had. Now a days, you see her popping up in the tabloids for stupidity like punching a trashy psychic in a club or crashing her car or stalking random boy bands or now brushing her teeth for seemingly two years. She is the epitome of why people hate Long Island. She is the poster child of what not to be when your area code is 516 or 631. She is one of the most irritating “starlets” because she is completely unaware of the reality of what she is: one hot fucking mess of entitlement. The girl is talking about how she wants to win an Oscar some day, she couldn’t even get her shit together enough to adequately read cue cards on SNL. It's almost like there's a completely delusional sense of where she’s at in her life and career. After reading the story in the New York Times that covered her mood swings and psychotic behavior on the set of her low budget indie film “The Canyons” where she has a four-way sex scene with a porn star (quite a long jump from “Mean Girls”), my only thought was.. “fuck dude, how much do those lips hurt? They look like they need a good dose of Vagisil they’re so swollen.”
My hope is the California judicial system – which has bent over and spread cheek for Lohan for the last few years – finally says “bitch shut the fuck up” and sends her to prison for a few months. The girl could benefit from some regulated showers and a forced distance between her and whoever put those “Princess Ariel Mermaid Barbie” white girl weave extensions in her hair.
Some people love her. Some people hate her. One thing I think we all can agree on – no one wants to see Lena Dunham naked. Everyone is tired of seeing Lena Dunham naked.
I have my own personal bias against Dunham. It has to do with writing and being repped by the same people and just seeing the process from a different angle. But even if I didn’t have that personal beef, I would still look at this chick and think “what the fuck?” Why? Because she puts my generation in the shallowest of forms, films it with a camera that has an Instagram filter, gets naked in scenes that are about buying shoes and people think this is genius. They are treating her like she invented Williamsburg, which was quite comfortably gentrificated by 2005. I don’t get it. Maybe some of you do, but I don’t.
Outside of all of that, you have this girl who two years no one knew, talking about why she thinks people write, and that those who write for money have a “weird plan”. Something tells me coming from a wealthy family with connections that got her where she is today, she never had to bartend to make ends meet so she COULD write. And out of curiosity, I’d love to know if she’s giving the $3.5 million she got for a book deal, back since… you know, writing for money is weird. She recently told Playboy that she would hate waking up to have a Victoria Secret Body because she wouldn’t want people being nice to her just because she is hot. “That must be hard,” she said. Bitch please. I LOVE my body. But you want to know whose body I love more? Miranda Kerr. And admitting that I’d love to wake up and have Miranda Kerr’s body one day, isn’t me being insecure or being anti-feminist. It’s me being an honest woman who appreciates a hot bitch’s body and lives in the real world. This whole “oh I’m so edgy and full of tattoos and against the grain of standard because I’m kind of chubby” isn’t some new line form of feminism. It’s fucking annoying. Maybe it’s bitterness, maybe it’s a twinge of jealousy. Or honestly, maybe it’s me being on the other end of the things she does saying “the fuck is so special about her and why is she always naked?”
“Girls” kicked in the door for a different style of television in a way. And I will appreciate that for as long as my career keeps going because in theory, had she not, I might not have gotten my opportunity to write professionally. But the obnoxious side of her quick rise to fame coupled with her showing up on every magazine cover, from Rolling Stone to Pet Monthly talking about shit that makes her sound so out of touch with the reality of what most mid-20s are going through, is something that I think irritates everyone. Add that to her seemingly constant need to be naked in her show, eh… I think we are all quietly waiting for this girl to fade the way of other edgy new trends that ended up being shitty and annoying, like MySpace and the Blackberry Storm.
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Taylor Swift is the reason I never want to have a girl if I ever have children. At 23, the girl is still using Lisa Frank stationary to write lyrics that sound like a stream of consciousness exercise your 7th grade creative writing teacher gave you. “I snuck out the window and went to the barn and opened the door and you were there and we started to kiss and we fell to the floor and the moon was so high on a southern night and it’s us against the world and my dad and then you put your hand on my boob and I started to cry and I said I’m not ready and you said you’re a bitch and you left me there and my mom said I told you so and THIS PERSON’S NAME IS JAKE GYLENNHAL”.
That is a Swifty song. In a nutshell. And she is making BANK for them. This is a chick who I genuinely believe has a secret bank account she is going to use to fund the bioengineering of unicorns. At 23, she has been tied to two dudes who are barely legal – Harry Styles of one of the countless, indiscernible boy bands from England, who is 18, and then a Kennedy who was a junior in high school when they started dating. You have 250 million dollars and you’re dating a kid who has a permit and a curfew. Seriously? I can’t with this one. I get why little girls in middle school like her, but I also have to wonder why at 23, you want to be able to relate to 12 year olds who are writing in their journals about John who they dated for 7 hours breaking up with them but it’s totes cool because Mike tweeted to her and they’re OMG so in luv4eva.
Taking the plunge from writing and singing about topics that are relevant to anyone who still watches Nickelodeon shows into topics that real women who are adults with jobs and no pet unicorns can relate to would give her a lift in my eyes. But I don’t expect that to happen any time soon. She’s too busy taking on real world issues guys, like OMG how she is soooo totally over her last BF and she will tell you all about this new hottie she met in 3rd period today at our sleepover Friday. Don’t forget your stuffed animals and matching princess PJs.
I admit, there was a time a few years ago that I actually kind of secretly liked Kim Kardashian. And I think a lot of people might secretly agree with me. Dudes used to think she was hot. Or at least hot enough to download the sex tape she had with Ray J. And to me, I used to think she was kind of business savvy with a solid relationship with her sisters – something I could relate to.
Now, I’m just like… meh. Between Kris Humphries and Kanye, this woman has solidified herself as one of the most irritating screechers on the planet. It’s a level of fame whoring I didn’t think existed, and I just think it’s an issue of being severely over exposed. She put a camera in her life and threw a script with it, especially with the whole Kris Humphries debacle, and now people are coming out against her on it and so she goes and gets knocked up with a dude who actually made me feel sorry once for Taylor Swift. A man who apparently doesn’t know how to turn the caps lock off on his keyboard.
She pours her pregnant self into outfits that make her look like a sausage someone might take a picture of because it’s weird shape kind of looks like Jesus. She denies the fact that her “reality” show wasn’t so real, even though it’s coming out in pieces that half that shit was scripted and edited. She acts like a victim of the paparazzi when in reality she is hiring crews to follower her around. I can’t find sympathy for her. If I had her money, I’d quietly go into a state non-existence and live on the beach for a few years doing pilates, figuring out how to get my ass proportionate with the rest of my body. Everyone is tired of seeing the Kardashians “taking” things: Miami, New York, divorce papers, men’s dignity, big black penises. Just stop.
This lip-biting, eye-fluttering, line stuttering hippie is the last on my list. For someone whose entire career is based on one of the most poorly written book series the world has ever seen, as well as the most obnoxiously anti-feminist character of all time, you’d swear she reinvented the fucking wheel. There is nothing this girl won’t roll her eyes at – award shows, red carpets, interviews, junkets. You know, shit famous people kind of have to do to stay famous. She wears a pair of converse kicks with a $7000 gown and thinks she’s being bad ass because of it. Because clearly she’s so above conventional fashion and trends. She doesn’t shower, she doesn’t smile. She is one of those obnoxious weed smokers who thinks she’s better than you because she does drugs. Bitch please, you were caught letting an old married dude go down on you in a Mini Cooper in a parking lot like a preacher’s daughter. The dignity you think you have in wearing a backwards cap and flipping off the paps isn’t real.
I don’t understand the hype in this girl because she basically reminds me of Dana from “Homeland” with a thinner nose. She’s always biting her lip, looking nervous, pulling at her clothes and mumbling. She comes off as too good for anything and totally ungrateful for the opportunities she’s been given. In every movie, she seems to play the same character. A timid, unsure young woman who blinks a lot and runs her hand through her hair and looks awkward. Hi, where can I sign up to make millions of dollars to do that, because I am pretty sure I would kill it.
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