Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
This is the last time I'm gonna say it! Halle Berry needs to stop calling me. And I'm not changing my number AGAIN! #enoughHB
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) September 1, 2014
“”
Arsenio is tweeting in his dreams again.
Anyone has the right to take all the pictures they want, naked or otherwise and unless they want me to see them, I have no right to see them
— Penn Jillette (@pennjillette) September 1, 2014
“”
Agree or disagree?
To all of you who work hard … kudos…to you searching in earnest for work..good luck..to you lazy fucks…start contributing
— Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) September 1, 2014
“”
Sorry, Kirstie.
Ain't no party like a 2 year old's party cuz a 2 year old shits all over his own balls.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 1, 2014
“”
They do rock out pretty hard.
Remember guys, the meaning of Labor Day isn't drinking a case of Natural Light then drowning in a lake after crashing your friend's jet ski.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 1, 2014
“”
Wait, it’s not?
Do other comics get this regularly? "Hey, I'm a fan & I'm on parole so I can't leave Wisconsin, do you ever do shows in this state?"
— Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) September 1, 2014
“”
You never answered my question.
I've been nude, but photos of it never seem to leak.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) September 1, 2014
“”
Perhaps that’s for the best?
The dude next to me at the gym has Britney Spears "Toxic" as his ringer. If you know this person please don't call him ever again.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) September 1, 2014
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Or be his friend.
Can someone go in the other room and get my phone charger? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!!
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 2, 2014
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Life is too hard.
Reason I haven't tried out for American Ninja Warrior yet is that I can't find the right outfit
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 2, 2014
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Yeah, that’s my excuse too.
Never give up on a dream. Unless you need to eat and pay rent.
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) September 2, 2014
“”
Or know Miley Cyrus.
is there anything scarier than a boston police officer?
LICENSE AHHND REGISTRATION PLHEASE SAH
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) September 2, 2014
“”
They don’t even have to try to be scary.
The most rotten people on earth can be the sweetest liars…and vice versa…don't ever assume you know someone you don't know
— Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) September 2, 2014
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If I don’t know them, how can I assume I know them?
Approaching 30 is a mindfuck.
— Meghan McCain (@MeghanMcCain) September 2, 2014
“”
Yep, it’s all pretty much over after that.
New study indicates many younger women don't know where their vagina is. If you're one, use mirror & flashlight and find out!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 2, 2014
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NO way this is true, right?
Isn't the phrase "In God we trust" undercut by the fact that its on cash?
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) September 2, 2014
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God needs cash to make it rain, yo.
Can I get a re-do on summer?
— Ryan Seacrest (@RyanSeacrest) September 2, 2014
That would be nice. No offense to fall.
https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/506884514262814720
Couldn’t hurt.
I just used my high school ID that's still in my wallet from 2012 to get a student discount at a store, should I be feeling guilty?
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) September 2, 2014
Gonna go with “no.”
You know a girl's pissed at you when she texts you a colon and one parenthesis instead of a smiling emoji.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) September 2, 2014
That is the telltale sign.
Jennifer Lawrence should round up the crew from Winter's Bone & mete out some Ozark justice on those cunts.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 2, 2014
Sounds like a plan.
Jim Irsay, Michael Sam, Wes Welker – let's see what the greatest reality show known as the NFL does for an encore today.
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 3, 2014
Keep your head on a swivel Tom Brady.
https://twitter.com/JenKirkman/status/507169144748642304
We are proud of you too.
I'm leery of the guy at the gym who smiles and says 'good morning' to everyone. It's 6 am, sir. What's your deal? #suspect
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 3, 2014
See previous tweet.
Ask yourself, would you follow you?
— John Cena (@JohnCena) September 3, 2014
Gimme a “Hell Yeah!”
Here is my impression of me talking to one of my kids. -"Ask your Mom."
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 3, 2014
Ah yes, the time-old tradition of fathering.
"That's a nice dress, but it'd look better on my floor." – Guy with a VERY SEXY FLOOR
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) September 3, 2014
Is the floor currently single?
It's nice to know that at age 46 I can still come within 3 seconds of shitting my pants.
— Jim Norton (@JimNorton) September 3, 2014
Small victories.
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/507221408502779904
Solid approach.
https://twitter.com/JamesDeen/status/507238305759387648
Have you met people on the Internet?
Pretty cool that whenever you see the color maroon now, you immediately think of KILLER fucking rock n' roll.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 3, 2014
No doubt about it.
Facebook is down and now I won't be able to see the quiz results taken by a girl from my high school on which Golden Girl she is! Fuuuuck!!!
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 3, 2014
Those were a dark few moments this week.
Should congress send the Ferguson police department to battle isis?
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) September 4, 2014
Don’t give them any ideas.
Me dropping my 10 yr off at her first day of school.
Me: Have fun.
Her: Bye. Where are you going?
Me: Back to sleep.— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 4, 2014
Way to motivate, dad.
https://twitter.com/WhitneyCummings/status/507556302692679680
You can hardly tell them apart.
I'll have what JLo's having. #whatthehell
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 4, 2014
Whatever that is, it’s definitely working.
RIP Joan Rivers. Being publicly told that my dress is hideous will never feel quite as awesome. You will be truly missed.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) September 4, 2014
Here, here.
I can’t wait till Apple introduces an iPhone with a real battery.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 5, 2014
That will be cool.
KNOCK KNOCK GO FUCK YOURSELF
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) September 4, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!