Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy. These are the most entertaining celebrity tweets this week.
I like the smell of turpentine.
— Larry King (@kingsthings) October 27, 2014
So weird.
Ricola execs panicking over name rhyming with ebola more at 11
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) October 27, 2014
It’s not Ebola, it’s Ricola!
Kinda wanna skip all the Halloween stuff and just get straight to Thanksgiving already.
— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) October 27, 2014
You and me both, sister.
Had 7-11 Chef Boyardee ravioli 4th night in a row. Comic life never changes.
— Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) October 27, 2014
I had no idea I was on the “comics diet.”
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/526722905837936640
Welcome to your new get out of anything excuse.
https://twitter.com/JamesDeen/status/526743798366224384
It’s a common problem.
I'm sorry, but a lot of the sales that I'm seeing advertised now are not at all Spooktacular
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 27, 2014
It has been very disappointing.
I'm so famous my phone continuously asks me for my current location… Just because it worries about me. Bitch…
— Blake Shelton (@blakeshelton) October 27, 2014
Damn, then I’m famous too!
Let's all take a moment to thank the news media for keeping us scared.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) October 27, 2014
And they take that responsibility very seriously.
https://twitter.com/HEELZiggler/status/526801668482940928
Sound familiar to anyone?
https://twitter.com/jimjefferies/status/526835691821342720
Never thought of that before.
Guys, thanks for describing my stand-up as "Masterful, Excellent Hilarity". But please, simply use the acronym.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 28, 2014
Meh…
The Blacklist formula: less hair = better acting.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) October 28, 2014
Hmmm…
Another reason I find children so menacing are their tiny little teeth.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 28, 2014
Tiny, SHARP little teeth.
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/527114039001096192
I draw the line at four teeth for my workers.
I asked MJ how often, over the past 4 seasons as owner, he wanted to get out on the floor & affect the game: "A lot," he said.
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) October 28, 2014
Dude is still competitive.
Forget Facebook. Stand in front of someone, look them in the eyes, ask how they are, and listen, without checking your email.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) October 28, 2014
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
https://twitter.com/danieltosh/status/527143950788726784
Somehow, this got an amazing amount of retweets.
How did Popeye buy long sleeve shirts?
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) October 28, 2014
I don’t think I ever saw him in one.
Shark Tank idea: Cardboard rectangle that goes in ur underwear called "CamelNo"
It's gonna be the next java jacket— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) October 28, 2014
She might be on to something.
Quick. What are the rules on dealing with 'personal space killer' guy in the TSA line? I'm feeling his breath on my neck.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) October 28, 2014
Elbow him in the ‘nads.
https://twitter.com/jaymohr37/status/527181062221627392
Remember magazines?
https://twitter.com/DebbyRyan/status/527195616838156288
If only it were.
I figured out how to end war. It mostly involves not putting your soldiers in other peoples countries, then theres some anti-genocide stuff.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) October 28, 2014
Problem solved.
https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/527339993313050624
Not cool at all.
I dig this pope
— josh groban (@joshgroban) October 29, 2014
His does have a little rebel in him.
engaging with your haters on Twitter is like playing GTA and just getting the cops to chase you #lol
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) October 29, 2014
It is pretty easy.
I kissed an 82 year old woman this morning & told her I love you, we exchanged numbers but I'm unsure what to text her to break the ice…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) October 29, 2014
“How ’bout that new Polident?”
Pope approved the Big Bang. So do I though the one I'm talking about might need contraceptives he doesn't approve of
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 29, 2014
Dr. Ruth. Still got it.
No autocorrect, I'm going to the "Sema" show next week.
S-E-M-A!
— Brad Keselowski (@keselowski) October 29, 2014
Autocorrect has such a dirty mind.
.@BarackObama Is a fox a dog?
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 29, 2014
50 bucks he answers.
At this point the ocean is probably 50 percent fish pee anyway. @BryanTwatted
— Alexandra Daddario (@AADaddario) October 29, 2014
Great. Yet another reason to avoid the ocean.
Dude from Chevy is as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. #Bumgarner #MVP #SFGiants #Champions
— Steve Austin (@steveaustinBSR) October 30, 2014
STONE COLD!
I think @MattForte22 should have the nickname "#hashtag" because he defines the category of elite back.
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) October 30, 2014
Shut the fuck up.
.@WebMD should a women be able to "tell" when I'm inside her ?
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 30, 2014
You don’t want to know the answer, Rob.
For the record, SF Giants are national champs. They're not even North American Champs. They never played Mexico City.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) October 30, 2014
He has a point.
Some people spend a lifetime seeking enlightenment. I've probably spent half of my entire sleeping life flipping my pillow to the cool side.
— KevinSmith (@ThatKevinSmith) October 30, 2014
Also a worthy use of one’s time.
WHY must I insist on hugging people when they are clearly extending an arm for a handshake?! So creepy. I would make a terrible president.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) October 30, 2014
I so want to meet Olivia Wilde right now.
Wearing an SPF 20 today. The danger is exhilarating.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) October 30, 2014
Anna Kendrick: Born to be wild.
When did Halloween become a two weekend, multiple nights event?? Isn't it just one day?!?!? #iobviouslymissedthememo
— Julie Benz (@juliebenz) October 31, 2014
Seriously.
JOSE CANSECO WHAT THE FUCK?
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) October 29, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!