Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
it's imperative that you not make eye contact
when dealing w drunk people— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) September 22, 2014
This is true.
Apple sold 39 iPhone 6's PER SECOND this weekend.
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) September 22, 2014
Let that sink in for a moment.
This 'Breaking Bad' marathon makes me wish they'd gone on another season. Have them make chardonnay with those Real Housewives or something.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 22, 2014
I would watch that.
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/514144123431825409
Way to ruin a good day.
Actions may speak louder than words, but bumper stickers definitely speak louder than actions.
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) September 22, 2014
Especially when the bumper they’re on runs you over.
"Grandpa, what was the world like before everyone smelled like weed?"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 23, 2014
A much angrier place, son.
https://twitter.com/JenKirkman/status/514151576861442048
True heroes.
Why do they make anything “non-drowsy?”
— (((Jew))) (@JoshMalina) September 23, 2014
Good point.
I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade…and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
— Bar Paly (@BarPaly) September 23, 2014
I’m down with this policy.
When I was younger and partied till 5am I would get a hangover. Now, when I party till 5am, I get a cold for a week and a half.
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) September 23, 2014
But think of all the wisdom you’ve gained.
It is now 1:40 AM & I have not one idea for a worthwhile tweet so I'lll leave this worthless one for insomniacs who have no critical sense
— carl reiner (@carlreiner) September 23, 2014
Over 40 retweets and over 130 favorites.
I'd rather be sleeping.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) September 23, 2014
Stop taking that “non-drowsy” shit.
I look good as fuck today… -mirror-
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) September 23, 2014
Oh to be Ocho.
https://twitter.com/HEELZiggler/status/514458753874558976
He must have gotten enough faves.
The world doesn't want me to learn the flute.
If I do I will seduce nations.— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) September 23, 2014
Can’t let that happen.
https://twitter.com/therealroseanne/status/514493353636163584
The always unanswerable question.
My agent booked my show in Kansas City the same fucking night as Demi Lovato. We have the exact same fan base. My shows fucked.
— Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) September 23, 2014
I had no idea his fans were all Lovatics.
How many college credits do we get for watching OUTLANDER?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 24, 2014
Depends what school you attend.
looking back on it, three home runs was like, way too many to give up
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) September 24, 2014
Hindsight is 20/20.
Very low attendance at my Gay White Supremacist Fans of the Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd Movie Society Meeting last night.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 24, 2014
Something good must have been on TV.
I accidentally left my iPhone 6 Plus in my sweatpants during hot yoga. In the good news column, now it looks like an origami swan.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@EllenDeGeneres) September 24, 2014
The phone is bit susceptible to such things.
https://twitter.com/jenamsims/status/514842969468203008
Tell him to just fold it up. I hear that works.
What are you complaining about today? I'll solve your problems.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) September 24, 2014
Is there nothing he can’t do?
Fun Fact: In his 20 MLB seasons, Jeter has ordered more than 2,500 Louisville Slugger bats.
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) September 24, 2014
I’m guessing environmentalists won’t find that fact fun.
https://twitter.com/BreeOlson/status/514864065798098946
Yeah, that’s probably it.
https://twitter.com/hannibalburess/status/514869495866077185
Then I am the Bill Russell of doing that.
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/514874367881515008
Another nap maybe.
In a relationship, cheating is one of the leading causes of infidelity.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) September 25, 2014
Makes sense I suppose.
https://twitter.com/ChrisWarcraft/status/515002788753862656
If someone can sneak it in, that is.
My iPhone 6 Plus is two days old and it’s already bent. Has anyone else had this issue after leaving their phone on train tracks overnight?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 25, 2014
Nope, mine’s still okay.
There should be a 911 number for drunk loved ones who don't shut up when you wanna go to sleep. Just someone to come over and listen.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 25, 2014
Million dollar idea.
https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/515066280697548801
Tell them to F off.
Americans are becoming pussies. Let's gut up and stop complaining about how bad we THINK we have it…we CAN choose to RISE above the fray
— Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) September 25, 2014
Eh, maybe later, I need a pedicure first.
Years ago Dr. Dre announced that California knows how to party. It's time we shared this knowledge w/ the rest of the party-starved world!
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 25, 2014
I hear they need special help in the Dakotas.
Turned the corner into my living room only to find my cat, 6 ft tall, sitting legs crossed with a cigar in one hand & a paper in the other..
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) September 25, 2014
Wait, what?
Just fabulous, Jeter.
— Erin Andrews (@ErinAndrews) September 26, 2014
What more can you say?
Baseball slobbered over #Jeter and forgot to mention Tony Gwynn’s death, the great hitter of my lifetime, at the All Star game
— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) September 26, 2014
Oh…that.
Occasionally I want to punch the internet in the face. Mostly it makes me teary & happy & restores my faith in humanity. But sometimes? 👊
— Sophia Bush (@SophiaBush) September 26, 2014
The Internet is a twisted bitch sometimes.
https://twitter.com/michaelianblack/status/515482559837667328
Sold.
Hello @nflcommish you have midget mosquito balls #FreeSimmons
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) September 25, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!