by Brandon Wenerd on June 2, 2013

Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones, continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Here at BroBible, we've published quite a bit of information about the rise in HPV in men. One study claims over half of all men may have it. Another study says 16 million men in America alone, “mostly in their mouth.” Back in 2011, another study claimed oral sex is a bigger cause of throat cancer than tobacco. Good thing there's a vaccine approved by the Center for Disease Control for men

But wait… what? Did Douglas just say that cunnilingus is the best cure for an STD that's been proven to cause cancer? I'm far from a doctor, but that statement puts a blip on my bullshit detector. It doesn't make a lick of damn sense. Let's just go ahead and nip that medical falsegood in the bud. The Guardian follows up on the claim by talking to a doctor with some experience on the issue:

“It has been established beyond reasonable doubt that the HPV type 16 is the causative agent in oropharyngeal cancer,” said Kumar, who also testified to increased recovery rates among this kind of cancer sufferer. This would help explain why Douglas was given an 80% chance of survival, despite the advanced stage of his illness.

But Kumar expressed scepticism that Douglas's cancer was caused solely by HPV, and surprise at Douglas's assertion that cunnilingus could also help cure the condition. “Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn't make sense.”

The takeaway? Fuck cancer… Also, fuck HPV. Be careful out there and maybe look into getting vaccinated. Get well soon, Michael Douglas. Maybe Wall Street 3: All Our Money Belongs to the Chinese won't suck.