The fan site "TMNT, Not TANT" got its hands on the script for the Michael Bay-helmed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles adaptation, and it's a frighteningly bad piece of sh*t. Anyone who grew up with Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo is going to want to read this.
In May of 2011, Nickelodeon brought on Michael Bay to produce a new TMNT film that would reboot the long-dormant live-action film series. It didn't go off to a good start. Bay caught criticism by some after announcing his intention on calling the movie "Ninja Turtles," and making the turtles not mutants, but "from an alien race." Others, though, felt it wasn't fair to criticize a guy who hadn't even shown a script or plot points yet—even if it was the same guy responsible for "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."
Well, now we have seen the script. It's not pretty.
The movie starts in a warehouse where a "military operation is in full swing" (because you just can't have a Bay movie without starting it with a military operation in full swing). It then introduces us to the character "Colonel Schrader," a grim officer who's this movie's answer to Shredder. Schrader's soldiers are called "The Foot" like Shredder's were, but the script never explains why a U.S. army division is inexplicably called "The Foot."
Here's what they talk like:
"Ninja Turtles" then introduces us to Casey, April, and the actual Turtles, who Casey finds after stumbling on them during his shift as a night security guard for an abandoned factory. (Don't ask.)
I'm not going to spoil the rest of the script, because even though the studio has ordered a rewrite and pushed the opening date back from December 2013 to 2014, it's still possible the film will share plot points with this old script. So here are some terrible jokes from Raphael:
And this one:
Please God, for the love of my childhood, fix this.