Just day dream with me, everyone. Let's go on a journey back to 2004: "Mean Girls" has been released to much success. The song "Rumors" is a hit song on the FM dial. And Lindsay Lohan is the object of 95% of male fantasies across the United States. She looks like this. You may be searching for that picture on AltaVista in your head right now.
Alright, now come back to me in 2012. And read this story.
Facing money woes, a staggering tax bill and alleged delinquency on her storage locker full of personal possessions, is Lindsay Lohan’s scrambling to make some cash?
A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.
Page Six received an email pitch from 123Talent with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood's Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.
In bright pink lettering, the email reminds us that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist.” Perhaps adding “Jail Bait” didn’t have much of a ring to it.
Because I'm a cultural imbecile, I didn't know that Bat Mitzvahs were a thing, and I thought the New York Post had made a typo and meant to type "Bar." This makes sense, I thought. If anyone can appreciate Lohan, it's kids first going through puberty.
Luckily, we have a Jewish person who works here, and who told me that, no, you Southern idiot, Lohan is only available to be booked for 13-year-old girls' parties. Which makes no sense.
Some free advice, Lindsay: Open yourself up for Bar Mitzvahs too! The partygoers there will fully appreciate your gifts. And it'll help your continued quest to legally pay back that Charlie Sheen debt.