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Jared ‘The Subway Guy’ Is In Sharknado 2 Looking Cocky As Shit

By 07.01.14


I’m kinda annoyed because I was looking forward to not giving a shit about Sharknado 2, but now that I know Jared is in it, I’m not gonna NOT watch this flick.

I might’ve had it on my DVR for a month or so before deleting it once I realized I would never watch it, but now I’m probably gonna have a viewing party with $5 footlongs everywhere. There’s no way Jared isn’t getting eaten by a Sharknado, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that there’s nobody who needs to get their shit stuffed in by a shark more than Jared. He’s just such a cocky bitch. He knows that he’s the most recognizable restaurant spokesman in restaurant spokesman history and he acts as such. Even Ronald McDonald is probably like “that dude Jared balls.” Nobody is supposed to have this type of longevity in their restaurant spokesman career, but Jared keeps defying the odds.

Also, did you know that Jared is worth $15 million? That’s THREE TIMES as much as Kenan Thompson who has been bestowing the gift of laughter upon all of us for almost twenty years! I think as a society we need to reevaluate what we reward. All Jared did was get fat and then not be fat anymore. How ’bout giving me a sponsorship deal? I eat subway and I NEVER GOT FAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’m thinking about just going hog wild and putting on like four-hundred pounds, just to then lose it all with a subway diet and snag Jared’s endorsement right out from under him. Subway needs new blood, and I think I’m the type of fresh-faced Jew they’re looking for.

In conclusion, I challenge Jared to a celebrity boxing match. Jared, DM me to accept or decline the challenge.

UPDATE: They released a three-minute sneak peek over the weekend, and while the vid is absent of any Jared, it DOES have Mark McGrath AND Perez Hilton, both of whom, I think we can all agree, need to be eaten by sharks as well. This is gonna be the cinematic event of the decade.

Brandon Cohen
About Brandon Cohen... Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.
TAGSjared from subwaysharknadosharknado 2

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