Everyone knows about the book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. It’s a collection of stories about a douchebag, being a douchebag, written by a douchebag.
How Tucker Max’s memoir became a New York Times #1 bestseller for five years in a row is beyond me. But then again, anything worth putting under a pile of magazines next to your toilet somehow becomes a New York Times bestseller. Everyone has toilets, so we can’t overlook that.
Sure, Tucker Max is the scum of the Earth, and he makes no effort to shield that in his stories of puking in sushi restaurants and BJs gone wrong. He’s the kind of jerkoff who’d start a bar fight if you had to squeeze by him to get to the bathroom, and I’d probably hate him if I ever met him, but I admit I was entertained enough to read the book from cover to cover. Writings about excess and how far the body can be pushed are difficult to ignore.
But Jesus Christ on a corndog, the movie was fucking awful.
I can’t believe it’s been five years this week since this pretentious storm of cinematic excrement hit a theater near you. I didn’t see it in theaters, but I definitely saw another movie in the same multiplex as it, which I find equally shameful. Considering it made $1.5 million back on a budget of $7 million, most of you probably didn’t see it either.
Let’s talk about the douchebag that plays our star douchebag in the movie. He looks like he could’ve been in any of the 13 Final Destination movies, but even those were probably too demanding for his acting chops. He has blonde hair, wears a plain white t-shirt the WHOLE time, and shoves his bullshit philosophies down everybody’s throats so exhaustingly that they might as well be actual chloroform rags. WHAT WOULD TUCKER DO?! WWTD?!
Then there’s Kristy, the girl around whom the entire ludicrous bachelor party revolves. I feel like these actors try incredibly hard to be incredibly unlikeable. Kristy is such a cliché bitch: nagging, ostentatious, and never has anything important to say. Basically another Final Destination candidate that didn’t make the cut.
The only person in the movie who’s remotely funny is Tucker’s friend Drew, a cynical bastard who falls into a nerdy Halo depression after his girlfriend cheats on him. He constantly responds to everyone with cruel and sarcastic little quips, a few of which genuinely aroused a chortle out of me.
The book was stupid (and likely fabricated) to begin with, and it should’ve never been pushed by any studio. Congrats to Tucker Max for trying his hand at filmmaking and producing the movie equivalent of a shart.
By the way, you can watch the whole thing here. It’s already on YouTube after only five years, and I doubt anyone cares about taking it down.