- If it's in a city you would NEVER want to live in ever.
- If you see the listing prices/budgets and think, “wow that's expensive.”
- Every time someone complains about something cosmetic that's easily fixable: I.E. “Ewwwwww the paint in this guest bedroom is ugggly!”
- Every time someone complains about carpet or laminate flooring instead of hardwood.
- Every time someone complains about non-granite kitchen countertops.
- Every time someone complains about the cabinets in the kitchen or bathroom.
- Every time someone complains about appliances.
- When the narrator says something to the effect of “modern sensibilities,” “rustic charm,” “cozy,” or “old world charm”
- Every time someone complains about the location.
- Every time someone complains about the lack of space and you wonder “HOW MUCH SPACE DO YOU FREAKING NEED?!”
- “Crown molding” is mentioned
- “Stainless steel appliances” are mentioned.
- Someone says “needs updating” or “this is dated”
- If it's in a city you'd LOVE to live in or the city you live in now.
- If you see the listing prices/budgets and think, “Damn… that's CHEAP.”
- Every time someone walks into a room and says “it has potential.”
- When the couple inevitably complains about the lack of yard.
- If the couple complains about the lack of fence.
- If it's a rental one. They are the f*cking worst. Mortgage or nothing, please, HGTV.
- If there's a nagging request for “his and her” closets.
- If someone says something about an “open floor plan”
- When they're pictured inevitably doing some annoying cutesy activity, be it fitness, playing music, playing tennis or golf, eating, drinking wine, driving some asshole car, whatever. You know the shot I'm talking about…
- If it's for a vacation home episode for a rich prick and his whiny wife, who dominates the show.
- If it's one with a spoiled trust fund kid who wants to live in Europe (… or anywhere abroad, really) and is definitely receiving support from his rich mommy and daddy.
- Every time someone says something about a property's “curb appeal”
- When someone claims how much they like to entertain and, thus, needs a dedicated space for it.
- The guy mentions a room being his man cave.
- Every time the man acts like a complete push-over, outshined by a laundry list of demands from his wife.
- If the couple's on what seems to be their fourth marriage.
- … Or on the road to divorce
Scream “Wild Card, Bitches!”
- If they chose the house you NEVER thought they'd chose.
Shotgun a beer:
- If someone won't shut up about double sinks.
- If someone suggests knocking down a wall.
- If the man says something vaguely sexist during the tour of the kitchen, alluding to his wife spending most of her time in it.
- If someone says, “this is where the magic happens” during the tour of the bedroom, alluding to sexy time. This couple likes to party.
Finish your drink:
- If it's not completely clear what the couples' sexuality is.
- If someone suggests the “lifestyle” a particular home has to offer.
- The realtor — clearly frustrated by their demands — shows them a house #3 that's WAY, WAY, WAY over budget.
- If someone looks at the inside of a closet, looks disappointed, and says “where's the closet?”
- If you happen to notice at the end of the show that the couple hasn't changed clothes at all throughout the course of all three house visits, meaning HGTV shot in one day and the house buying decision was already made.
- When you picture the couple having sex.
Do a bong rip:
- If you're watching House Hunters in your parents' basement. Maybe get a job?
- If you just know the guy on the show secretly sneaks a joint every now and then, man.
Do a shot:
- If the realtor looks smugly annoyed by some stupid cosmetic complaint from the buyer, adding in “Well, that is easy to fix.”
- In the follow-up at the end, if a couple that exclaimed to enjoy entertaining so much at the beginning of the show is either (A. not entertaining at all or (B. looks like they're throwing the most uncomfortable and socially awkward house party you've ever witnessed. THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE REAL PEOPLE!!! Some suggest these awkward shots are the House Hunters production crew, but I dunno… The verdict is out.
- If the couple is younger than you, married, maybe having kids soon, and already buying a house. Then ask yourself, “what the fuck am I doing with my life.”
Finish the bottle:
- If your House Hunters watching partner — be it wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, whatever — suggests being on House Hunters while looking for a house. If they're serious, consider ending it.
I want more like this!
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