If you’ve opened your eyes or ears for the last couple months, you’ve known that “Winter is Coming.” I’ve seen ads all over Manhattan on buildings, phone booths, newspapers, those sketch little screens in the backs of cabs; everywhere. I even saw an episode of ESPN’s Around the Horn that was Game of Thrones themed. In this frenzy of ‘Thrones Fever,’ everyone and their Khaleesi, I mean mother, seemed to know that Winter was coming.
However, during this highly anticipated wait, people seemed to ignore that BASEBALL WAS COMING too! Game of Thrones was so highly anticipated, it nearly drowned out the sounds of spring training, and the opening day that followed the highly anticipated premier. I won’t lie, I had my mind on my dragons and my dragons on my mind, too. But I multitask. Shiiiiiit, I even went to the Game of Thrones exhibition on 57th to sit on the Iron Throne with my Milwaukee Brewers hoodie on. There’s no reason we can’t watch baseball while we watch the (iron) throne. And to prove that, I made this list of baseball bros who went all Game of Thrones on Opening Day based a little on appearance and mostly on play, whether it was a good or bad thing.
- Bryce Harper is Rob Stark: There’s no doubt that Rob Stark, like Bryce Harper, was last season’s rookie of the year, and neither of these bros wasted any time getting back at it on their respective opening days. Rob headed back to Winterfell to check on his home front, kept his crazy mom in check and got ready to kick his adopted brother, Theon’s, ass for taking over his home. Should he forgive Theon? In my opinion and as B-Harper said last year: that’s a clown question, bro. Harper didn’t waste any time getting back to crushing it in his young career as a leader, either. Dude stepped up on his first 2 at bats and crushed home runs. These young bucks are ready to pick up where they left off. Well done, bros.
- Jonathon Niese is Tyrion Lannister: In his first opening day start, Jonathon Niese pitched 6 2/3 innings and gave up only 4 hits and 2 runs. Not a perfect game, but it was a great first O.D. start. Tyrion’s first Opening Day Start was most definitely during the Battle of Blackwater Bay, when he had to replace King Joffrey’s bitch ass and lead his army to victory. Like Niese, Tyrion came through under pressure and killed it. Niese’s Mets beat the San Diego Padres 11-2, and Tyrion’s army stayed strong until the rest of the Lannisters showed up. Hopefully Niese’s teammates treat him better than the Lannisters treat Tyrion, though!
- C.C. Sabathia is Xaro Xhoan Daxos (The Richest Man in Quarth): Shiiiiiit, C.C. Sabathia raked in a 122 million dollar contract in 2011. Xaro, on the other hand, constantly boasts to fine ass Khaleesi about how he is the richest man in town. I bet he’s not as rich as C.C. though! Unfortunately, things didn’t end so well for Xaro, who is full of shit about being rich and ends up locked in a giant empty safe. Also unfortunate, things didn’t go too well for C.C. on opening day. C.C. pitched only five innings and gave up 4 runs as the Yankees lost their at home season opener for the first time in 11 years. Their rival Boston Red Sox won 8-2. Things turned out worse for Xaro, but I do feel for my guy, C.C. Cheer up, C.C. at least you actually are rich! Xaro, sucks to be you, bro.
- Albert Pujols is Khal Drogo: Let’s get real. The first thing these two have in common is being straight up beasts. When these two sized each other up by the pool on Spring Break, they just high fived and started laughing at everyone else’s pathetic excuse for pump. Drogo is a Khal, and Pujols is known as The Machine. However, Drogo’s tribe ultimately left him when he became ill because “a Khal who can not ride is no Khal.” Well, on opening day Drogo couldn’t ride, and Pujols couldn’t hit. Big Al went 0-4 while his team stepped up and brought home an opening day win against the Cincinnati Reds. Despite the victory, a Machine who can’t hit is no Machine. Get your shit together, Albert bro, or you’r fans will leave you like Drogo’s left him.
- Ryan Braun is Petyr Baelish: I almost didn’t write this one because it forces me to be negative about my team, who beat the Colorado Rockies yesterday with a dramatic walk off from Jonathan Lucroy. Don’t get me wrong, Ryan Braun is my guy. He’s one of my only Jewish brothers who has made it big in sports, and he crushes homeruns for my hometown squad. This is why it breaks my heart to say that my bro, Braun is Baelish. First of all, Baelish is untrustworthy. He conspired against Ned Stark and continues to spend his days weaseling around King’s Landing and pleasing King Joffrey. Likewise, despite my, and Milwaukee’s, love for our MVP Ryan Braun, Brewers fans have been forced to be cautious about trusting him. He was accused of taking P.E.D.s for the first time after his MVP season. He won his appeal (thank god) and killed it again the following year, squashing our concerns. However, he was brought up in yet another investigation during the offseason which puts up red flags for me and the Brew City faithful about trusting our star slugger. The second reason these two are similar is that they really do love them some whores. Ryan Braun claimed that the spike in his testosterone levels, the cause for investigation in his first P.E.D. case, was due to a herpes medication he had been perscribed. He easily could have gotten herpes from one of the countless girls that are on his jock in Milwaukee… or from one of Baelish’s well-stocked whore houses. These two bros stay surrounded by ass. Like all day. I have no doubt that Braun will bounce back from his 1-4 Opening Day at the plate, but am more concerned about him staying clean and out of trouble with these P.E.D. cases. Lets go Brauny! Go ahead and enjoy some sluts with Baelish, just keep out of trouble, bud.
Have any other comparisons of baseball players who play like it’s Winter in Westeros? Think I’m a dumb little asshole who doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Leave some comments and let’s talk! In either case, enjoy some baseball while you wait for the next episode of Game of Thrones. It’ll do you some good to at least watch sports!
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