Entertainment
by Lance Pauker on March 13, 2013

Theon Greyjoy

Claim to Fame: Every fraternity pledge class has a mistake. Often, this is the person who’d you’d least expect to be downright awful–they’ll have a relatively normal background, are good enough at holding a conversation, and on the surface, appear to be “just another dude.” But it’s those you’ve gotta watch out for.

Academics:  At first, you thought nothing of his strange fascination with age-old empires and propensity to write all his papers on Alexander the Great. Then, you realized this was some strange attempt at studying the very people he sought to replicate. Then, you realized that he, as many a history major is nowadays, completely doomed.

Fun Fact: He was the kid awkwardly told that since the group was getting a four person apartment instead of a five, someone had to be cut out. 

 

Jorah Mormont

Claim to Fame: Getting really emotionally close with girls–even spending entire days doing date-ish activities that he'd never otherwise do if he weren't implicitly guaranteed “quality time” later–only to sink further and further down into the dredges of the friend zone.

Academics: Classics major, with a minor in theater. Or something that really furthers the ambiguousness of his sexuality.

Fun Fact: He’s a sucker for the chase. After spending about a year and a half courting one girl who finally gave in, he proceeded to treat her like a total dick. Everyone was surprised, and didn’t believe her because he’s like “seriously probably the only nice guy left on campus.”

 

Daenerys Targaryen

Claim to Fame: The fearless leader of a campus group who, although a semi-important part of the campus ecosystem, does not exactly have the universal following needed to push her agenda on all of the college. Well go with a capella.

Academics: Totally that girl in discussion sections who gets unnecessarily fired up about whatever point she is making.

Fun Fact: Not as many dudes want to sleep with her as she thinks. INITIALLY they did, but then they realized what a nightmare of a consistent hookup she’d turn into.

 

Jon Snow

Claim to Fame: At every college, there’s this group of kids who aren’t on the soccer team, but spend an ungodly amount of time doing soccer-related activities–pickup games every month of the year, weird group watches at bars on the other side of town that no one else ever goes to, and the most random of drinking events and rituals. almost all pertaining to some big-time soccer match.

Because of their seemingly intense bond regarding something nobody else could ever relate to, liken this group the your campus “Men of the Night’s Watch.” It also may just be me, but aside from the long-time serious girlfriend that is now a member of the group, these specimen don’t ever seem to interact with women.

Academics: International relations, some language, or anything else that’ll prepare him for at least a decade of not living in the states.

Fun Fact: The collegiate Jon Snow always wore shirts that were decidedly too small, but never with the intention to impress the ladies.

 

Joffrey Baratheon

Claim to Fame: Using his status as a quadruple legacy and huge donor to not get suspended or expelled, despite that being wholly deserved.

Academics: That kid who mysteriously doesn’t have a major, yet ends up with an internship at an ungodly presitigious investment firm that doesn't even hire interns.

Fun Fact: Despite him being an unequivocally despicable person, he’s arguably the most sought after person on campus. By girls, because nice dinners and one-percenter things, and guys because, well, girls. And for the reliably entertaining game of will he or won’t he? drop over $250 every night out.

(Sidenote: If you have a really rich friend, this always is a great game to play)

 

Cersei Lannister

Claim to Fame: Have you ever seen one of those horrendously made straight to DVD sorority movies starring a very hot, but spectacularly evil super-bitch President? They didn't get that shit out of nowhere.

Academics: Connections > Going to Class, but give them a marketing/management major just to pass the time. 

Fun Fact: She never pays for drinks, but every bartender is too scared to call her out on it

Tyrion Lannister

Claim to Fame: At first ostracized for sophomoric reasons, but after outsmarting campus police while simultaneously owning his primary bully (all at the same party), he wins the unequivocal affection of the entire school. Which he then leverages into a successful foray into student government, and becomes the first student in 10 years to make actual changes. He prefers presiding as the student body VP, but it's not exactly a secret who's really running shit. 

Academics: Greatest philosophy student the school has ever seen. 

Fun Fact: He's underratedly good at intramural flag football. 

 

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Khal Drogo

Claim to Fame: Guy who is always at the gym. So much so, that he eventually becomes an in-house trainer, and conducts all his activities within the facilities of the fitness center. For instance, having sex. A lot of sex.

Academics: Whatever people do before graduate programs in physical therapy

Fun Fact: That cute girl that’s always on the elliptical? Banged by Khal.

 

Robb Stark

Claim to Fame: Shocking everyone, and actually dating that girl from that other, less prestiguous school who clearly has some skeletons in her closet. No questions asked because he appears to know what he's doing. 

Academics: Arts and Design–Robb doesn't think…he acts on his super-important emotions.

Fun Fact: In his spare time he hopes to leverage his strange, deepish voice into a career as an impressionist.

 

Varys

Claim to Fame: Adored superstar of the LGBTQ and/or experimental sexuality group on campus. Not unlike that really cool gay dude on your campus, girls will claw tooth and nail to be considered his best friend, so that they can then brag to everyone that they're friends with a guy that they tell EVERYTHING to. 

Academics: Despite the unrivaled flair of creativity he gives off, he truly has a business mind. And amazingly he’s never dipped below a 3.9 in all of college.

Fun Fact: He secretly pits all these girls that flock to him against each other, as he gets great pleasure out of behind the scenes emotional manipulation.

 

Eddard Stark

Claim to Fame: Was elected President of the school’s most prestigious fraternity–a job he took not because he wanted to, but because he was really the only good man for the job. Devoted all his time to his position, managing risk and maintaining a general presence that made him undoubtedly the greatest master the chapter had ever seen. That is, until some unforeseen and uncontrollable circumstances rendered his fraternity at the center of some ridiculous scandal that the University Administration needed to take swift and harsh action against. And Ned took the fall.

He also outdrinks the world. 

Academics: Political Science. Average student, though excelled at internship interviews and the like.

Fun Fact: Despite being a “really good” guy with a girlfriend for most of college, he had a moment of infidelity. This was mostly an outlet for him to “be an asshole for once.”

 

Petyr Baelish

Claim to Fame: Old school journalist and deputy editor of the school paper, Baelish sneakily befriended some important people with huge social reaches, only to artificially manufacture some huge scandal that would bring them down, and provide himself with the respect and under-the-radar power that he so deserves.

Academics: Psychology. Has a fiery romance with the TA.

Fun Fact: The kind of kid that everybody knows, but no one is actually friends with.

 

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