HBO
There’s a lot to be said for being chill. Good things happen when you are chill. Bad things happen when you are not chill. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the show Game of Thrones, where chill is hard to come by.
So who were the chillest Chill Bros on Sunday night?
First up, the non-chill Bros from Episode Seven: The Gift
Cersei Lannister
HBO
Look. It needs to be said.
ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT. Had you just had the king’s kids instead of using “other methods” (Note: The clip of her telling Ned Stark she didn’t let Robert Baratheon come in her hoohah is not easy to find on Google; ‘Cersei Lannister Robert Baratheon where he ejaculated Ned Stark’ yielded no results) none of this shit would be happening.
None of it. So basically, you are to blame for everything bad that has happened since the start of this story. Not chill, whatsover.
Also, I’m starting to think you don’t actually love your son the way you say you do. I think maybe you want to sleep with him.
Chill Bro Points: -10,000
Melisandre
HBO
Asking a dude to kill his daughter is … uh …. yea … ummm … don’t do that.
Chill Bro Points: -500
Daario Naharis
HBO
“Come on. Let’s kill everyone and get married. It’ll be like Natural Born Killers or something. It’ll be fun. Come on. Let’s kill everybody.”
Chill Bro Points: -25
Now, for the Chill Bros.
5. Winter
HBO
About fucking time you showed up.
Chill Bro Points: 100
4. Tyrion Lannister
HBO
This was cool. This was very cool. That is all.
Chill Bro Points: 200
3. Samwell Tarly
HBO
A lot of dudes who want to lose their virginity resort to lying, pressuring, forcing, and guilting women into sleeping with them.
All Samwell Tarly had to do was take eight punches to the face.
Chill Bro Points: 500
2. Ghost
HBO
Discuss all you want David Benioff and D.B. Weiss retrograde attitudes toward women and their completely dense and dumb and horrific portrayals of sexual assault on the show. What speaks volumes to me is that five seasons in — through 47 episodes — the strongest anti-rape advocate that’s emerged is a dog.
Chill Bro Points: 1,000
1. The High Sparrow
HBO
Damn. Fucking. Straight. Dude. Damn fucking straight.
Chill Bro Points: 2,000
Here are the rankings after seven episodes. Disagree? Take it to the comments.
1. Jon Snow: 499,950
2. Jaqen H’ghar: 9,950
T-3. Grey Worm: 1,700
T-3. The High Septon: 1,700
5. Ser Barristan Selmy: 1,300
T-6. Daenerys Targaryen : 1,000
T-6. Ghost: 1,000
T-6. Roose Bolton: 1,000
9. Maester Aemon: 600
T-10. The Wall: 500
T-10. Rhaegal And Viserion: 500
T-10. Poderick: 500
T-10. The Sand Snakes: 500
14. Samwell Tarly: 450
T-15. The Unsullied: 400
T-15. Ser Davos Seaworth: 400
17. Lord Varys: 300
T-18. The Sons of The Harpy: 200
T-18. Tyrion Lannister: 200
T-20. Winter: 100
T-20. Bronn the Sellsword: 100
T-20. Kevan Lannister: 100
T-20. Mance Rayder: 100
T-20: King Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name: 100
25. The Dude Boning Loras Tyrell: 0
26. Daario Naharis: -25
T-27. Arya Stark – 100
T-27. Stannis Baratheon: -100
T-27. Brienne of Tarth: -100
30. Myrcella Baratheon: -100
31. Melisandre: -400
32. Drogon: -500
33. The Sparrows: -1,000
34. Ser Jorah Mormont: -5,500
35: Lord Petyr Baelish -10,000
36. Cersei Lannister: -10,200
37. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss: Negative A Billion
Ramsey Bolton: Disqualified