Well you know what? Fantasy doesn’t always match up with reality. No one ever banged the hot mom (except for our friend Dale’s now-estranged father), premature ejaculation was always thwarted by whiskey intake, and I have still never attended a party to rival the Snoop-emceed backyard bash in Old School. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try. Will you succeed? Probably not. But then again, I bet 12 year-old Shaun White – gangly and pale and covered in ginger – never thought he’d be laying pipe to an SI swimsuit-issue cover model someday.
So here’s everything you need to know about hosting a party as epic as those you’ve seen in theaters:
As Seen In: Can’t Hardly Wait (1998), American Pie (1999), Superbad (2007), Project X (2012); every raunchy teen comedy since Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
What You’ll Need: A rich kid whose parents are dumb enough to leave him home alone for the weekend, someone with a quality fake ID (or no fear of that whole “distributing to minors” clause written into this country’s pesky bylaws), lazy and/or incompetent cops, girls with loose morals.
Obstacles: Grouchy neighbors, girls who period all over the dancefloor, braces.
The Larger-than-Life Frat Blowout
As Seen In: Animal House (1978), Revenge of the Nerds (1984), Van Wilder (2002 … and yes, we know it’s not technically a frat party), Old School (2003)
What You’ll Need: A frat palace (preferably with large backyard), a theme (Toga? Anything But Clothes?), a catchy name (think Mitch-a-Palooza), a ragtag group of misfits skilled at physical comedy, a kiddie-pool full of lube, girls with loose morals.
Obstacles: The overtures of a malevolent Greek Council and/or Dean with a stick up his ass, freshman overflow, fire hazards, the moment you realize she qualifies as “statutory.”
The Blackout Bachelor Weekend
As Seen In: The Hangover (2009), The Hangover Part II (2011)
What You’ll Need: A sacrificial lamb (in the form of an engaged-to-be-married friend), mislabeled drugs, Vegas (or a foreign equivalent), abundant, improbable fiascos, girls with loose morals (here, hookers will suffice).
Obstacles: (Partial) Memory loss, animal control liaisons, accidental shotgun weddings (perhaps involving said hookers), sunburn, the onset of a mind-numbing hangover.
As Seen In: Dazed and Confused (1993), Wet Hot American Summer (2001), Happy Campers (2001), scary movies aplenty
What You’ll Need: A remote location, trees for chopping, excessive quantities of kerosene, a collective enthusiasm for skinnydipping, charges who stay in their cabins when told.
Obstacles: Charges who don’t stay in their cabins when told, limited access to liquor stores, psychokillers running wild.
As Seen In: Jaws (1975), Blue Crush (2002), Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
What You’ll Need: A beach, a bonfire, Pacific Islanders with tribal tats, a pig in the ground, Cali bros with tribal tats.
Obstacles: Sandy vaginal canals, agro surfer dudes with beef for that wave you stole earlier, maneating sea creatures.
The Block Party
As Seen In: Dave Chappelle’s Block Party (2006)
What You’ll Need: Friendly terms with all your neighbors, a handful of big-name musical acts and comedians, hoodlums who know how to wrench a fire extinguisher into action, in-depth logistical planning – depending on the size of your neighborhood.
Obstacles: Acquisition of a public-spaces permit from the city council, open container laws, scarcity of sanitary boom-boom rooms.
The Pool Party
As Seen In: Caddyshack (1980), Boogie Nights (1997), Anchorman (2004)
What You’ll Need: A swimming pool, frozen drinks with little umbrellas, a grill, a diving board, competitive assholes drunk enough to challenge one another to feats of acrobatics utilizing that diving board.
Obstacles: Slippery pooldeck, shrinkage, grisly accidents stemming from drunken springboard escapades.
The In-Home Brothel
As Seen In: Risky Business (1983)
What You’ll Need: Parents dumb enough to leave you home alone for the weekend, friends with deep pockets, your hooker friend, a certain diminutive Scientologist.
Obstacles: Acquiring a hooker friend, persuading her to run a brothel out of your parents’ house for a night, the moment when your Ivy League interviewer knocks on the door.
The Ritualized Orgy
As Seen In: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
What You’ll Need: Masks, passwords, and that same diminutive Scientologist.
Obstacles: Breaching Scientology HQ, locating the password, trying not to fall on a dick.
The End of the World Bonanza
As Seen In: The Matrix: Reloaded (2003)
What You’ll Need: A subterranean colony existing in a post-apocalyptic world under the dominion of a race of sinister machines, a futuristic hybrid of grunge and techno blaring out the speakers, potato sacks, girls with that special brand of loose morals that attends end of the world bonanzas.
Obstacles: Actualizing the conditions listed above.