Entertainment
by Bro Bachelor on January 20, 2014

​10. Juan Pablo.

The Bachelor Juan Pablo a.k.a Don Juan (#josephgordonjuanpablo) himself belongs in the Pantheon of bros, right up there with Vinny Chase and the guy who plays Vinny Chase.  Juan Pablo is an ex-pro soccer player from Venezuela who now works as a consultant/agent guy for baseball players, or something. Some have likened him to the late Che Guevara, but those people obviously have no clue who Che Guevara is.  He may be the strong, silent type, or he may just be the strong, I-don’t-speak-enough-English type; either way, they’re both charming to girls who have already decided that they want to marry him.

9. It’s just like watching sports, except while it’s just a game for you, it’s real life for them.

So it’s sort of like The Hunger Games, if ruthless killing were passive aggressive cattiness and there were 25 hot girls more likely to give it up than Jennifer Lawrence.

8. Chris Harrison. 

He may not be an A-list celebrity (or B or C – after all, the guy gets mistaken for the bro that starred in See Spot Run), but he’s what every young bro should aspire to be: a mildly good looking, seemingly ageless guy with next to no talent making a ton of money doing practically nothing.  Plus, watching the show, you can imagine what it would be like to have a guy tell the girl you don’t like to “pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and leave the house immediately.”

7. Shameless reinforcement of traditional gender roles. 

On The Bachelor, it’s the 50’s all over again, where men still give women flowers, you don’t have to explain your affairs with other girls, everyone smokes cigarettes all the time, and booze flows plentiful during office hours. 

And if Fairy Tales are more your speed, just think of it as Cinderella, except the shoe is a rose and after midnight Cinderella is still a Medical Sales Rep.

6. You get to watch drunk chicks implode, while not having to do anything about it.

We’ve all been there: the girl you’re with gets way too drunk, breaks a high heel, falls to the ground, and starts shouting the n-word at an Asian passerby.  Suddenly her makeup is smeared with tears, a bra-strap has slipped off the shoulder in the least sexy way possible, and her stuck up sober friend becomes a clinical psychologist (daddy issues! daddy issues!).

Watching The Bachelor is like that, except you don’t have to walk her home, pretend to listen to her complain, or clean up any of the vomit.

5. The Bachelor encourages constant and guiltless derision of girls (and it’s okay).

Because you better believe the shit you’re yelling at your TV while halfway through a case of Natty Light is only half as bad as the filth girls are spouting while halfway through a bottle of Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. 

4. Boobies.

We’re talkin’ 50 nipples, 25 pairs, all competing for the attention of one guy.  Most episodes involve girls getting in bikinis and dressing up in outfits that highlight just the right amount of side-boob.  Sweaters and turtlenecks are highly discouraged.

3. It teaches you what girls want in three simple steps.

1). They want to compete for your attention.  2). They want you to help them get out of their comfort zone, usually via a photo shoot or helping indigenous populations or whatever.  3). They want to go to really high-up scenic locales, be afraid, and then basically stand there and wait to be kissed.

2. Fantasy Suite Dates.

On The Bachelor, the bro is practically guaranteed to bang at least three chicks on romantic overnight dates that take place in the “Fantasy Suite” a.k.a fuck shack. It’s essentially the 30 year old version of Seven Minutes in Heaven, but with more rose petals and fewer sweatpants boners.

1. True love.

What’s so wrong about a couple bros who want to watch another bro find true love? 

 

This post was by @Bro_Bachelor, who writes a blog about The Bachelor called “Bro Bachelor Blog.”