Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced yesterday that he offered $1 million each to Chris Brown and Drake to box each other for three televised rounds. Feldman would donate an additional $1 million to a battered women's shelter, he said, and he would also extend an invitation to Rihanna to be the ring girl at the bout.
While the fight will
probably never happen—Feldman's previous biggest "gets" include matches with Rodney King, Jose Canseco, and Lindsay Lohan's father, plus both Drake and Chris Brown are far too vain to ever consider this—I couldn't help but wonder who would come out on top. Would Drake defend Rihanna's honor? Could Breezy land a punch while simultaneously hitting this move from "Stomp the Yard"? LET'S BREAK THIS DOWN.
As far as I can tell, Drake's physical motions are limited to that weird jazz hand move he does with his right hand when he raps. Brown, on the other hand, does backflips and somersaults and handstands and other ridiculous things while on stage. He generally acts like a hip-hop version of Kerri Strug. To use another metaphor: You have to think Breezy can float like a butterfly in the fight, even if he doesn't sting like a bee.
Drake is fond of cardigans, moody albums, and playing paralyzed kids on Canadian teen melodramas. Chris Brown wore this on Larry King, and posted this picture after the nightclub fight in an attempt to gain sympathy. The cut is miniscule. And his eyes are closed from the camera flash. Don't close your eyes because you're scared of a camera flash, Chris Brown. That's not hard.
Actually, let's just call this a wash.
ADVANTAGE: THERE ARE NO WINNERS
There's not a lot of evidence that either of these guys would fare well in a fight. But Drake was cunning enough to strike first at the W.i.P. nightclub, and he showed a scrappiness in escalating the fight to bottle throwing. (Shades of Sun Tzu's writings on the art of unconventional warfare with that move.) I would expect Drake to have something else up his sleeve in a boxing match.
Chris Brown is the worst kind of pansy—a man who hits women. Guys like this always run away from a fair fight with an evenly matched opponent. Drake, judging from his songs, has a heart that may be a bit too big. (And that is apt to constantly break.) Still, having a heart is better than having none.
50 Cent's Opinion
In the world of rapper fights, one simply cannot discount 50 Cent's opinion. The Queens native has been shot nine times, and he and The Game very nearly caused a 21st century version of the Biggie and 2Pac fued a few years back. 50's also weird and crazy enough to have words with America's favorite person, Oprah. What's he think?
"I would take Chris," 50 told California radio station KMEL last week. "I guess it's cause of all the physical things I see him doing with dancing and moving. He be slipping and moving. I don't see Drake doing that. Chris be having his shirt off. He got one of them MMA fighter looks. Like he might have did karate when he was a kid. He's kicking, doing splits and stuff. This could really get interesting."
On the off-chance the sanctioned boxing match turns into another brawl, Drake has Young Money's finest at his back (including Birdman, who has definitely been in some scrapes in his past). Does anyone like Chris Brown enough to defend him anymore?
So: 3-2, Drake. Looks like I've got Toronto's finest. Who would you pick?
Let me know in the comments.