Entertainment
by David Covucci on February 3, 2014

One is excite you about going to go see said movie. That can be done in a variety of different ways. Suspenseful montages, impressive visual displays, awesome plot lines. And two, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU WHAT THE FUCKING MOVIE IS ABOUT. 

Here is the teaser trailer for Transformer: Age of Extinction by coca leaf-devouring psychopathic auteur Michael Bay. (Full disclosure: I fucking love Michael Bay's Transformers movies.) 

So, what have we learned from this? That Mark Wahlberg is starring as the lead. And that one of these robotic monstrosities, who can literally transform into anything—Why it's both in their name and you in fact see one perform such an action in the opening scene (transforming his face into a machine gun)—has resorted to using hand guns (17 second mark). Why, why, why the FUCK does a Transformer need a hand gun? Probably because Michael Bay said “These first three movies were great, but they didn't involve enough robots shooting hand guns. I want more robots shooting hand guns.”

But more importantly, Michael Bay, there is no plot in this trailer. Not a single modicum. I want to see the script for this. I bet it's just page after page of the words “BIG MACHINE GO BOOM.”

Also, let's talk about the Dinobots for a second. They are stupid. What is the point of shaping yourself like a dinosaur when you are a robot? Seems de-evolutionary. And it's not like dinosaurs built the Dinobots. Autobots did. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A DINOSAUR-SHAPED ROBOT?

But back to the plot. I've done some research. In case you are wondering if this is as crack-addled as any other Michael Bay production, the answer is oh hell fucking yes

Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) is a widowed inventor who lives on a farm with his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz), unaware that she’s dating a race car driver, Shane (Jack Reynor). 

Oh man. I bet Mark Wahlberg will have some words, some harsh words for that race car driver. I'm a man who loves my daughter, boy. But boy, will Mark Wahlberg's heart change when Shane's race car driving skills save the day. You've earned the right to marry my daughter. Perhaps it will occur in the scene described below.

The bounty hunters (it’s unclear if they’re connected to the Decepticons) have antigravity weapons which they use to abduct Tessa. In another scene, an entire transatlantic cruise ship is raised out of the ocean and crosses through a busy intersection while the protagonists are in the middle of a car chase.

Yes, that's what the past three movies were missing. Apart from gun-toting robots. Anti-gravity machines. Can someone, ANYONE, PLEASE introduce me to Michael Bay's cocaine dealer? I bet he sells the best LSD-laced blow. It must be fucking amazing. I want to do those drugs and make art like this. Because this is art. Michelangelo painted pictures of already described Bible scenes. Michael Bay has a dinosaur-shaped robot fling a cruise ship across a busy city street in the middle of a high-speed car chase.

That's art. And drugs. Mostly drugs.