No. None of these things.
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A great movie scene is a bad movie scene. An undecipherable, what-the-hell-were-they-thinking? scene that features a country-singing Sly Stallone, or a basketball-playing Catwoman, or comically over-extended death montage—preferably on a low-budget Turkish set. These are those scenes.
(Thank you, Weird Phone Call from Soft-Core Indian Porno, for inspiring this today.)
“Drinkenstein Song,” Rhinestone
Why is it great? Because Sly Stallone sounds like Cookie Monster after guzzling Drano.
What's the best line? “Buddddweiser, you created [unintelligible].”
Ranking: 4 out of 10 Van Dammes.
Rapping, Teen Witch
Why is it great? Because look no further, 2007 VH1 shows, we've found the whitest rappers alive!
What's the best line? “You can try until you're blue…” “I will make a fool of you!”
Ranking: 7 out of 10 Van Dammes.
Basketball, Catwoman
Why is it great? Because nothing in this scene makes sense. Even a rainforest tribal dweller, who has never seen a camera or white person before, would say, “This direction is poor.” And then throw up.
What's the best line? “Can we have our ball back, please?” (Imagined.)
Ranking: 8 out of 10 Van Dammes
“Oh God, Oh Man,” Tough Guys Don't Dance
Why is it great? Because this was actually written by one of the most respected writers in American history.
What's the best line? “Oh God. Oh man. Oh man. Oh God.”
Ranking: 5 out of 10 Van Dammes
Sharks, Shark Attack 3
Why is it great? Because it somehow overshadows this scene, which came previously in the movie, and is the greatest pickup line ever.
What's the best line? “Heh heh heh.”
Ranking: 6 out of 10 Van Dammes
Death Scene, Kareteci Kız 1973
Why is it great? Because everyone who sees it wonders, “Where the hell can I watch the rest of this masterpiece?”
What's the best line? The focus here isn't really on dialogue, buddy.
Ranking: 8 out of 10 Van Dammes
Phone Threat, Unknown South Indian Softcore Porn Film
Why is it great? Because it sounds like they're reading an outline written by a screenwriter before he remembered to plug in the actual dialogue. Actually, that might be what happened here.
What's the best line? Everything. Everything.
Ranking: 9 out of 10 Van Dammes.
Picking Up a Lady, Whore
Why is it great? Because the greatest failure of the Obama Administration has been failing to get this actor in every movie ever made.
What's the best line? “What the hell do you want, a handjob?”
Ranking: 9 out of 10 Van Dammes.
Frisbee DEATH, Hard Ticket to Hawaii
Why is it great? Because, until now, the frisbee stand-off had never been explored as an action movie conceit.
What's the best line? “Hey Coraline! You've got a great ass.” “So do you, pilgrim!”
Ranking: 10 out of 10 Van Dammes.
Snake Punch, Hard Target
Why is it great? VAN DAMME PUNCHES A SNAKE IN THE FACE.
What's the best line? “OH SHIT, I'M A SNAKE, VAN DAMME JUST PUNCHED ME.”
Ranking: 50 MILLION VAN DAMMES
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