Since it dropped last week, I’ve been on an unbridled GTA V crack-binge. On the rare instances that I’m forced to leave my house, I find myself hopping in my car like Franklin, walking chest-out like Michael, and going on meth-fueled murder sprees like Trevor. Within seven days, I’ve regressed to my 12-year-old self, blowing up helicopters and torching houses in lieu of paying bills and talking to my family. Luckily, I write for a website that condones this type of wanton disregard for responsibility. So without further ado, I proudly present my 8 favorite and least favorite features of GTA V.
Improved Car Mechanics
No longer are cars featherweight floaters that glide on the road. They have weight, hugging the highway and gripping turns akin to racing game vehicles. Finally, the autos in Grand Theft get the attention they deserve. (How snappy was that? I should write for Cosmo.) The only thing that's missing is that moment when you open the sun visor and have a stack of papers fall down. WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?
Hey, don’t we all feel like 3 different people sometimes? *Sips brandy and gazes longingly into sunset*. The feature most distinguishable from past games is also perhaps its best. Stuck in the hood? Merely D-pad your way into the home of a rich white guy. Off getting weird in the mountains? The Switch will snap your ass back into reality. Perhaps my favorite aspect of Switch is the little glimpses of the character’s lives we watch before game play resumes. You mean Trevor likes Greek yogurt too??? <3 <3 <3!!!
Quicker Retry for Failed Missions
This isn’t anything revolutionary, but the expedited do-over system is massively appreciated and an excellent addition. Rather than having to start a task over from the beginning, GTA V segmentizes missions, bringing you as close to where you were shot, caught, or beaten as possible. This reduces passively going through tasks, and brings you right back into unforeseen action.
The Overall Majesty
Topaz oceans and viridian fields. Bikers, and bankers and caribou. Tits! Like, pretty good looking, semi-boner inducing tits! Los Santos in sprawling glory, dense and beautiful. Having a cute dog is great, having creepily-bangable rendered whores is even better.
Don't even hate it, but the game isn’t perfect.
I’m 24, which is relatively old for playing GTA. Don’t make me feel older because I can’t read a fucking stock tip from Lester! I have a 50-inch TV, I shouldn’t have to sit 3 feet away and sizzle my retinas because of helpful hints.
I’m not even talking about that “install disc/play disc” bullshit. I don’t even know what that means. I just think for a game that gets jerked to for its graphics, there should never be a pixilated building or a hand going through a wall. But hey, maybe I’m a stickler tickler.
My biggest pet peeve of the game, by far. HOW THE FUCK CAN I CHANGE THE RADIO WITHOUT HAVING THE PHONE POP UP EVERY SINGLE TIME??? If anyone has a solution, please leave it in the comments. When I’m trying to get my swerve on to "Party All The Time," I don’t need to see bullshit emails from Ammu-Nation. Doesn’t Rockstar know you’re not supposed to text and drive?!
Don’t like it. I don’t care if it’s more challenging. Give me the fucker’s head on a bull’s-eye
Okay, I need to go back to playing. I’m upset that I wasted so much time writing this article. Any other likes/dislikes you have over this monstrous time-consumer? Leave ‘em in the comments section.