Due to some choices I’ve made in life (getting married, owning one television), I’ve watched The Bachelor this season. And you know what? I’m pretty okay with it.
Why? Because it’s been an absolute train wreck — in the most entertaining way possible.
If you have a better life than I do and haven’t been watching, here’s a brief rundown.
Twenty-seven aesthetically pleasing women showed up on the first night hoping to win the heart of former professional soccer player Juan Pablo Galavis, a “fan favorite” from a previous season. Slowly but surely, that number dropped as ol’ JP either cut them or they left of their own volition.
Along the way, we’ve learned the so-called dreamy “single father” kind of sucks and isn’t too bright.
Two favorites — Nikki and Claire — emerged early and are now the only women left. Tonight is the night he’ll propose to one of them.
Can you believe the drama? Can you feel the magic?
Nikki looks like this
Meanwhile, Claire looks like this
OK. So now you’re totally caught up. Yay!
Onto the drinkin’.
One drink for every:
- Establishing shot
- Commercial break
- Time Juan Pablo says “look at me”
- Cheesy musical refrain
- Moment of televised personal reflection
- Time someone mentions a previous location
- Shirtless shot of Juan Pablo
- Juan Pablo mispronunciation
- You hear “right reasons”
- You hear “wrong reasons”
Two drinks for every:
- Time Claire looks bitchy
- Casting call outro
- Time Nikki looks bitchy
- Chris Harrison appearance
- Obvious product placement
- Mention of Venezuela
- Mention of Juan Pablo’s daughter
- Time someone says this process has been “difficult” or “challenging”
- Time someone has doubts
Three drinks for every:
- Time you hear “rest of my life”
- Soccer reference
- Time the importance of family is stressed
- Flashback to the fantasy suite
- Appearance by a former Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant
Finish your drink every time:
- Juan Pablo says anything of substance
- You realize you’re playing a Bachelor drinking game
- An eternal commitment is agreed upon