Then there are those commercials that are not so good; the ones without Mr. Chow or anyone remotely cool or Asian. The ones where companies are so desperate to make us laugh that they put extremely annoying people to act as themselves or to play a very annoying character in hopes that we don’t change the channel and actually laugh. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of stupid commercials. Stupid commercials are like watching a stand-up comedian who should be miles away from a microphone: You’re either laughing at them because you feel bad and everyone else is already partaking in the laughing party or they are so bad that they literally make you laugh. Either way a bad commercial (or stand-up comedian) should not be watched on our TV screens.
But just like most of the bad things we are forced to see on a day-to-day basis, we have no control over them. Well we can always change the channel or shut off the TV and read a book but let’s be honest – that doesn’t happen often. I will also admit that I do enjoy watching a select few of the commercials I’ve listed below. Although this is true I still strongly dislike the main characters in them because and therefore I still would like the opportunity to punch each and every one of them in the face.
Writer's Note: I know that not all of these characters are actually people but I couldn’t submit this without a title.
The Three Caballeros – Free Credit Report
There’s no doubt these guys love doing this on and off the air.
Mr. Mayhem – Allstate
Why won’t he die? These are one of the select few commercials I enjoy watching. The only reason why I want to punch Mr. Mayhem in the face is because I know he will not get mad at me.
The Pop Tarts – Kellogg’s Pop Tarts
So dumb as characters, yet, so delicious in real life.
Maxwell – Geico
If you’re going to represent your company with an animal that can drive cars and jet skis, travels around the world and macks it with hot girls all day everyday; why the fuck would you choose a pig?
The Brown M&M – M&M’s
She loves being a little bitch to anyone that doesn’t want to eat her. Little does she know that not everywhere on her body tastes as good as chocolate.
Flo – Progressive
Someone has got to fuck Flo to just shut her up. We can kill two birds with one stone by nominating one of these guys to do it.
The 40-Year-Old Virgins – Sonic
Two guys eating at Sonic every night, talking about their mothers and playing with their food can only mean one thing…
Shaun T – Insanity
The only guy who makes men feel fat yet good about themselves at the same time.
The Dancing Hamsters – Kia Soul
They can dance better than us, they have a better car than us and they’re only hamsters. Need I say more?
The Guy Who Hangs Out With Kids – AT&T
Once again these commercials are funny but they are played SO FUCKING MUCH. Too fucking much.
The Gecko – Geico
This is how you spell GECKO, the animal. This is how you spell GEICO, the auto insurance company. I will always hate him for making me hate both those words.
Jared – Subway
And lastly, this piece of shit. Eat Subway and you will loose 800lbs, just like Jared did! If only Americans listened. Or realized you can't drink a gallon of Coke alongside that six incher.
The King – Burger King
Vince – ShamWow
The Fury Creature – Quiznos
This article is dedicated to Billy Mays. You were a prince. A devishly handsome prince and I miss you daily. Rest in peace, buddy.