Entertainment
by Lance Pauker on January 17, 2013

 

Tommy Pickles – Rugrats

Always the optimist and the adventurous one, Tommy Pickles was the kid everyone else wanted to be. Unfortunately though, we all turn into our dads.

Only a matter of time, bud.

High School/Collegiate Path: Cool dude, well-liked, definitely rocked that letterman jacket in style. Varsity basketball captain, with his motivational speeches somehow not coming off at cheesy. Moved on to the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan (the preferred school of his teen tour), joined one of the better frats, maybe even rose up to the Presidency. Got into a bunch of tough spots, but managed to get through with what will be attributed to a positive attitude, but was really just sheer luck.

After College: Consultant. All the way. Slightly overpaid job way too over-camaraderized. He’ll tell everyone how much he’s loving it, but it’s only a matter of time until that smile–the fake one permanently stuck on his face–turns into the sleepwalky version of his dad. Stu’s always had it right, and Tommy knows that deep down. 

 

Gerald Johanssen – Hey Arnold

A city kid, always doin’ big city thangs. From his kicks to his ‘do to his general life outlook, Gerald always knew what was what. 

High School/College: Gerald spent high school taking advantage of the big city–going to “shows,” networking, having a twitter account with a surprisingly large amount of followers. Really getting into the “scene,” he chose to attend FIT in New York City.

After College: Gerald was tapped to play the lead opposite Bryan Greenberg in “How to Make It in America,” but turned it down to pursue an opportunity to partner with a high-end fashion designer to start his own shoe line. He currently has his hands in a myriad of creative projects, although nobody truly knows what he does. When asked, Gerald will come at you with a succinct statement containing a bunch of phrases and that will be extremely popular in a year’s time, but are currently only understood by a select group of people living in gentrified areas of Harlem.

 

Roger Klotz – Doug

The classic nemesis character, I always sort of felt bad for Doug’s bully and his grease-ball leather jacket. Yea he was always out to get our hero, but you could smell the insecurity on Klotz from miles and miles away–and it wasn’t necessarily masked by a whole lotta intelligence.

High School/Collegiate Path: After a series of low-grade suspensions, Roger was pointed in the direction of the high school wrestling team. Not exceptional, but the sport focused him enough to let him “keep his nose clean.” Unfortunately, a gruesome ACL leg injury ended his career prematurely, reverting Roger back to his old, bullying ways.

After College: After spending two years as a “C” student at Bluffington CC’s Criminal Justice Program, Klotz enrolled in the police academy, which he is scheduled to graduate next week. Roger will likely spend the majority of his life nabbing passerbys for speeding tickets, shoving barely necessary fines in their face for decades to come. 

 

Twister Rodriguez – Rocket Power

“Maurice,” portrayed as the obedient, less charismatic, and overall more clueless sidekick to that of Otto Rocket’s X Games swag. The crew grew up in a town called “Ocean Shores,” but between the pier, the beach, the Hawaiian imports  and the shoobies, who are we kidding? Clearly this is Des Moines, Iowa.   

High School/Collegiate Path: After an unremarkable high school stint which featured a 2.6 GPA and a highly embellished involvement in a outdoor sports/mentoring program, Twister attended California State University, Northridge, where he spent three semesters having no idea what he was majoring in. There was about a 2 month stretch where he tried to “get in” on an elaborate weed delivery business, but was ultimately deemed too much of a liability.

After College: Twister now operates a Taco shack with failed X-Games star Otto. They do very poorly business-wise, though this isn’t necessarily a problem–it is of course, a front. Like every extreme sports stoner, they wish to leverage the impending legalization of marijuana into some sort of money-making scheme. Their “big play” is to involve tacos.

 

CatDog – CatDog 

High School/Collegiate Path: Homeschooled, without a doubt. In this age of in-school and after school #bullying, not a chance Mr. and Mrs. CatDog let their reproductive wonder suffer that sort of fate. The two went on to enroll in various online associates degree programs, all of which were mind-bogglingly easy for Cat, who grew increasingly interested in the nihilistic philosophies of Friedrich Nietzche

After College: Catdog became a blogger. There is actually no better profession for the duo. Not only do they never have to leave the house, but the two possess the two perfect duality for that of a blogger. Half hates everything the world stands for–accounting for all the sacrastic snark that's really serious deep down–and the other is either too ignorant to realize that he’s been kidding himself for the past 24 years/possess a remarkably unflappable amount of possibly faux-enthusiasm for every minute web trend and meme out there. CatDog, number one blogger of all-time. Congrats dude. 

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