I'm getting old. I can feel it in my bones. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night, sip a warm milk and mutter complaints under my breath about kids with skateboards, and not just because I’m Jewish. Half of my friends are married and the other half are degenerate gamblers; there's little pretense about where all of our lives will end up now. We don't talk about dreams we have, we talk nostalgically about dreams we had and look forward to Sunday afternoons when we can make dip with a packet of seasoning and a tub of sour cream. I'm not even out of my twenties and I can't shake this constant urge to tell people about my multivitamin choices and describe my stool to family members. Jesus. But do you know when I feel the oldest? The moment where I can hear the rattle of death and feel the cold spectre of oblivion's icy grip on my nearly lifeless, flaccid shell of a body? When I watch movies from the nineties.
Occasionally I'll get caught up on a hungover morning with a beer in one hand and my dick in the other watching Con Air for the millionth time (His wife is so hot and I last extra long from seeing Nick Cage’s gross extensions). And it's in these touchstones of my childhood, these blockbusters and rom-coms that I see how far I've come...and how little I have to go. They're so dated, so of another time, I find it hard to believe they were ever a part of me. But they were, and so below I've tabulated the ten most dated movies of the nineties, the ones that remind me most that my hip is really starting to act up again:
The first time I saw this movie was also the first time I ejaculated. At least that’s how it lives in my memory. I was in fourth grade and I made my mother take me on opening day and when we got out there was the local news crew trying to get crowd reactions. I was interviewed and I’m sure I mustered up something from the depths of my awe about dinosaurs literally being the only thing I’ve ever cared about in my entire life while my voice cracked and I attempted to wipe splooge off of my husky jeans. I was cut from the broadcast.
Have you seen it recently? I can’t tell if those are dinosaurs or cardboard cutouts. My whiskey dick has more life than these dinosaurs. I’ve heard stories that people in the 30’s had to leave movie theatres during early screenings of King Kong because it looked so real. You can now lump me in with those idiots.
This movie had me convinced, for several of my adolescent years, that this is what hookers were actually like. When I was finally able to afford one and I saw her pull a needle out from between her toes after she windexed the mattress, I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
When this movie premiered, I thought “Batman? Gadgets? Multiple villains? I’m in.” Things were so much simpler then. Now, apparently we need a Sean-Connery-sounding ‘roid-machine to blow up a football stadium to keep us happy. Take me back to the golden age of film where “thought-provoking” was left to student films and plot-holes were encouraged. Batman Forever is a fantastic pile of shit made made with the mantra, “Are you entertained yet?” Literally zero thought went into this movie, and thus zero thought is required to view it. Thank you, Joel Schumacher.
Sidenote: the Nicole Kidman of 1995 still remains my top Batman Babe by a landslide. I would absolutely dress her up in Lederhosen and have her reenact the “Cliff Hangers” game from The Price is Right. ON MY PENIS. You get what I’m saying.
This movie has been ruined because I can’t stop asking questions throughout the whole thing. How could he have done this in the age of the Internet? A Dad who would allow a whole farm in the house? How much has Sally Field aged? Why is Sally Field's mouth the size of a small child? How could she not notice Robin Williams’ hairy arms? Whatever happened to the youngest daughter who was in Matilda (which was pretty awesome and I’m assuming still holds up because it’s not like I watched it two times yesterday)? Which Lawrence brother is that? What was the Mom’s original reaction to finding out Doubtfire, was in fact, her husband? Was she mad? Was she turned on? If she was turned on, was it by her husband or by him dressed as an elegant older woman? Is the Mom currently a lesbian? If I dressed as a woman and took care of three young children would I become a more responsible adult? How does Robin Williams go from having no distinguishable skills to becoming a janitor to impressing the head of a network by playing with toy dinosaurs to getting his own Mr Rodgers style kids show? Should I become an irresponsible, mentally disturbed, cross-dressing janitor? Because I’m fine with that.
The 90’s taught me one thing (via Philadelphia, The Real World, Nick News, and Channel 1) - everyone is getting AIDS. The 90’s couldn’t have been more wrong. That’s great for the gay community and modern medicine but what about me? Where’s my drama and heartbreak? This movie would have held up better if it was about a guy with herpes who has to endure the hardships of getting a blowjob with a condom on.
"The Nutty Professor"
This movie is funny. Check out the comedy club scene with Dave Chappelle. I’ve said “Women Be Shopping” more times than I can count and now I can’t watch this movie without thinking about Eddie Murphy. He was the biggest ever, then sold his soul to the family movie devil and now he may be the most “disconnected from reality” guy on the planet. The whole movie I keep thinking “Does Eddie Murphy even know what a cell phone is? Is sex even exciting at this point for Eddie? He’s bedded every brand of chick (Asian, fat, skinny, big boobed, Tranny). Is he banging girls with no arms just to see what it’s like?”
That doesn’t even include the movie’s premise - “Fat guy is lonely in a world of skinny people.” If this movie was made today, Klump would be a skinny guy who made himself fat so he could fit in and get with a post pregnancy Jessica Simpson.
"You’ve Got Mail"
Maybe the most dated movie ever made. Remember signing into AOL? I’ll tell my kids about that ordeal with the same drawn stare in my eye that my Grandpa had when he talked about knifing “Jerries.” You can actually draw a parallel between a person’s age and their email handle, like counting rings in a tree: gmail is for twenties, hotmail is for thirties, and AOL is FOR DEAD PEOPLE.
And Meg Ryan, good lord, forget about aging gracefully. Her lips should be preserved as window drapes for a room in Versailles. There was a time when she was America’s Sweetheart, effortlessly adorable. That all changed when she tried a “prestige movie” called In the Cut and we first got a look at those flopjacks. It was like pulling the curtain back on the Wizard. And can you imagine trying to Internet date someone with NO PICTURES and NO GOOGLE? How are they supposed to know what your penis looks like? I’m amazed we even had cars back then...or as we called them, “horseless carriages.” Also, bookstore? What’s that? And who’s Greg Kinnear?
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more random questions about the plausibility of Mrs Doubtfire. You can check out his latest video from the Flugtag here.