Most people probably wouldn’t consider any video game character to be a ‘Bro’ per se; which makes it clear to me that we need to face the facts, THE EVIDENCE OF BRODOM IN THE VIRTUAL WORLD IS THERE. Plenty of video game characters throughout the ages have been blatantly bros; it’s just that most of us have not paid enough attention to actually see it. Think about what it takes to be a Bro, (ie… must go to the gym, must always be looking to slay puss, must be able to drink mass quantities, must not be afraid of stupid shit, must have swag etc…) these are all characteristics of some of our favorite video game characters and if you won’t allow yourself to see it, then you are clearly in denial. Below are the top 6 most bro video game characters ever created
6. Kratos – God of War
Kratos was a Spartan Warrior who sought vengeance on a God who kidnapped his brother and cursed his daughter. This means 2 things. One, he definitely lifted, Bro (during his training as a Spartan warrior) and 2, he was willing to risk his life for both his daughter and his own blood Bro. This is beyond the definition of noble, and it’s clearly ‘bro’ behavior. Not mention his wife was pretty hot for a video game character (another bro move).
5. Mario – Super Mario Bros
Literally everything Mario did was for pussy, mushrooms and gold coins. Basically, his life was very similar to the infamous Lil Wayne song ‘Pussy, Money, Weed.’ This gives Mario some EXTREME Bro cred. Plus he actually did have a Bro (Luigi) and the actual game itself was called ‘Super Mario Bros.’ Now this is just speculation, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to find out that Mario and his Bro Luigi tag teamed Peach at some point after their heroic rescue.
4. Johnny Cage – Mortal Kombat
Shirtless, jacked, tan and plenty of Swag, Johnny cage was a Bro Fo Sho (yeah, I just said that and I don’t regret it). Not only did he possess all of the characteristics above, he was HILARIOUS which is not always a standard trait of a Bro, but is certainly a trait desired by all bros. Lest we forget about his ‘split punch’ which was basically just a really over-the-top nut tap, a move performed by many bros across the world.
3. James Bond – Goldeneye 007
Always sporting a suit, trying to save a decently hot Russian chick, good with guns and always drinking top shelf martinis. This is James Bond we’re talking about here, we know his rep and we know he’s a pure Bro.
2. Tommy Vercetti – Grand Theft Auto
This was an absolute no brainer. Tommy has so much swag he might as well have invented the word. Afraid of nothing and willing to party is probably the best way to describe Tommy. One minute he’s beating gangsters to death with a 7 iron and the next he’s negotiating with a prostitute for a quick blowie. Sounds pretty Bro to me. Plus, he was voiced by a legend, Ray Liotta. There is literally nothing not ‘Bro’ about Tommy.
1. Duke Nukem – Duke Nukem
Duke was a man’s man and a bro’s ‘Bro.’ He definitely went to the gym on the reg, he definitely slayed a ton of puss, he would definitely never back down from a fight, he definitely drank like a champion, he always wore a tank top that accentuated his muscles, he always wore his sunglasses no matter where he was or what time it was and through all of his ass kicking, he was chewing bubblegum. Now you want to talk about a true video game ‘Bro’? Duke Nukem is the truest of them all.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who thinks that saying “Kickin’ ass and chewin’ bubblegum” is the cutest way to taunt an alien species. You can follow him on Twitter and Vine @STOTLE.