Here we are again. The season of sweltering weather and sweaty gooches has finally descended upon us, and one place of refuge from the abominable heat is your nearest air-conditioned movie theater. But each summer, there are movies that will make you wish you stayed in the sun to redden like a lobster, and the movies that gleefully steal you away from that miserable outside world for a few hours.
I find equal amounts of pleasure talking about both great-looking movies and shitty-looking movies. Here are five from each category to be aware of during these next few months, starting with the ones that look the most promising:
X-Men: Days of Future Past
This has been out for a couple weeks now. I saw it last week and was absolutely blown away. I loved X-Men: First Class and its concept of introducing the younger, vulnerable, morally uncertain versions of Professor X and Magneto. Utilizing a simple premise that boils down to one historical event, Days of Future Past combined First Class’ plot with Wolverine and the other original characters to create a fast-paced movie with enjoyable pulpy action. Not to mention our girl J-Law is central to the plot and looks better than ever.
22 Jump Street
We’ve all been waiting for this ever since Rob Riggle got his dick blown off (shot off, I mean) in the very end of the first one. 21 Jump Street took everyone by surprise and ended up being one of the funniest movies of 2012, thanks largely in part to a scathingly funny script co-written by Jonah Hill. 22 Jump Street will undoubtedly rehash the same formula as its predecessor, and by no means is that a bad thing. If it sticks to the same type of sarcastic humor, it will probably reference how it’s the exact same thing as the first one, but with absurdly hilarious results.
Clint Eastwood ascended the director’s throne for this one, an adaption of the eponymous play that chronicles the formation, success, and breakup of The Four Seasons. We saw with Changeling and Flags of Our Fathers that Eastwood is brilliant at faithfully depicting specific time periods, and the Jersey Boys trailer displays more than its fair share of alluring 1960s, doo-wop era appeal. You gotta love those Oscar-worthy-looking movies that come out during the blockbuster summer months.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
I couldn’t tell you how elated I was to hear the Planet of the Apes franchise was being rebooted. The 2001 film was utter shit, but I quickly forgot about it after watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Once you get past goofy bro king James Franco’s mere presence, the first film boasted an innovative idea: apes take over Earth rather than dominate their own planet light years away. This ambitious concept, along with some interesting cliffhangers from the first film, ensures that Dawn will prove just as inventive as its predecessor.
They Came Together
I love David Wain. He directed Role Models and Wet Hot American Summer, both of which were hysterical due to their absurd depictions of how normal people are supposed to behave. He is set to apply this signature style to They Came Together, an 83-minute parody of modern romantic comedies that stars Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler. There’s a part in the trailer where Rudd and Poehler are playing in a pile of leaves and the camera shows a dead body underneath the leaves as they walk away, so you know the movie will be very campy. I guess I’m one of those sick pricks that finds dead bodies funny.
Now, here are the five movies that make eating a box of light bulbs look more entertaining…
You guys had to have seen this one coming. And for one reason: Adam Sandler. The guy has done good movies, right? I wasn’t just dreaming that? I can’t even take it anymore. He had the God forsaken sequel to Grown Ups last summer, and now the first movie he gives us this year is Blended, another excessively sentimental rom-com with Drew Barrymore (again). The movie has been critically panned across the board and takes place on an African safari. Therefore, I’m convinced this movie is the third-most detrimental thing to happen to African culture behind famine and war, and I still wouldn’t call it ANYWHERE NEAR his worst movie.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Michael Bay really shit the bed with this series because it made him the effects-in-place-of-ideas joke he is today. The first Transformers introduced some humorous characters while showcasing Bay’s exhilarating technical abilities. Then the second one came and pissed everybody off with its cacophonous action overkill and unnecessary running time. Then the third one showed up and REALLY pissed everybody off with MORE action effects and a LONGER running time. Here we are in 2014 with Transformers: Age of Extinction, which will certainly follow this mindless formula, yet hopefully live up to the last part of its name and end this series once and for all. As if three movies wasn’t enough already.
I love directors like David Wain. I loathe directors like Brett Ratner. At the tender age of 14, my life was ruined by Brett Ratner after he directed X-Men: The Last Stand, a disappointing heap of scenes devoid of the characters’ emotional depth that we just started getting a glimpse of by the end of X2: X-Men United. My boy DJ (or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to you laypeople) is a mortal undeniably built for the mythical hero Hercules, but Brett Ratner will find a way to royally screw the movie up. Even if he doesn’t, the bitter 14-year-old inside me will find something to blame him for.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Look at that, kids:TWO Michael Bay movies on ONE TERRIBLE MOVIE LIST. In this case, he’s just a producer rather than director, but you better believe he’s going to carry the most blame if his name is attached to an awful-looking movie. There’s so much to mock about this movie I don’t know where to begin. Megan Fox has to carry the entire movie as the lead. Johnny Knoxville was inexplicably cast to voice Leonardo. Last but not least, NICKELODEON STUDIOS is producing it. I’ve lost all faith in humanity. I don’t belong here anymore.
Step Up: All In
It’s like the thirteenth Step Up movie. No need to elaborate further.
A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible.