Fall TV season is like how ancient Sparta used to be with newborn babies. When a show is created, they are taken to the edge of a cliff and inspected. If it’s weak or misshapen in any way, it is immediately tossed 1000 feet and killed on impact. And with every grueling year that passes, there are usually an equal number of both shows that live to tell its tale and shows that don’t make it past week three.
As with the majority of content that contemporary media projectile vomits in our faces every day, I despise MOST television shows. By most, I mean the virtually all cable television shows. Except for Breaking Bad, no cable program I’ve seen comes close to exploring the depths of humanity and morality compared to, I don’t know, every hour-long HBO show. There’s a reason HBO is called a “premium” channel: it’s far fucking superior to any basic bitch cable network out there.
Despite my inherent “cableism,” there are many characters across many channels that I hate with the intensity of 1000 suns. Here are the three that really get my blood boiling:
1. Margaret Thompson (Boardwalk Empire)
Sorry ladies, but your characters on television ruin everything. From sitcoms to dramas, you make EVERYTHING completely unbearable. Marie Schrader was the stereotypical upper-middle class suburban nag in Breaking Bad. Kimmy Gibbler had terrible foot odor and an abhorrent tendency to make herself welcome when she was, in fact, the opposite in Full House. Now, we have Margaret, whose unpleasant personality is only exceeded by her character development.
All she does is bitch about everything. Bitch to Nucky about his bootlegging operations, which basically SAVED HER from her impoverished lifestyle and abusive ex-husband. Bitch to her maids about the most mundane household details, when they’re the ones who wipe her kids’ asses and put clothes on their naked little bodies every morning. She was hardly in Season Four, and I hope the writers keep up that good work.
2. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)
You saw this coming, right? I hate Sheldon Cooper, PhD., and I’ll tell you why: he’s an idiot moonlighting as a genius and vice versa. He has no social skills because he’s a giant prick all the time, and no one likes to hang out with giant pricks. He doesn’t get most of the other characters’ humor, another indicator of the fact that he’s absurdly stupid on an interpersonal level and anywhere outside the field of physics. He barely spares a single shred of a shit about Penny or any other female on the show, which makes me wonder if he’s asexual or simply has no genitalia whatsoever. Just a fleshy patch of skin down there.
I also really hate Jim Parsons and everything he’s ever been in. He was a douchecanoe in Garden State, and I increasingly loathe Garden State every time I try to watch it. He was in Wish I Was Here, which was another Garden State-esque movie made by Zach Braff. Maybe I hate Zach Braff, too. I don’t know.
Anyway, here’s a Vine to sum up why Sheldon and his CUTE NERDY ANTICS are actually exercises in high blood pressure:
3. Len Goodman (Dancing with the Stars)
Yes, he’s a TV personality rather than a character, but he deserves a spot here simply because he’s another of many condescending English talent judges with a Cockney accent that makes you want to stick pinecones in your ears. The audience goes absolutely apeshit EVERY TIME he opens his mouth, like he’s the old grandpa at Thanksgiving dinner whom everyone laughs at when he says incoherent nonsense. Len Goodman exists only because he can.
Honorable Mentions, i.e. Characters From Shows I Haven’t Seen But Heard Really REALLY Suck:
Dana Brody (Homeland)
Gemma Teller-Morrow (Sons of Anarchy)
I want more like this!
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