This quote sums up the concerted madness that was Festivus fairly well: "If there's an adult that was like, 'What's it like to be 19 years old?' I'd say, 'You need to go to the University of Elon.'" The partygoer who said it was kidding—but he wasn't wrong.
Meanwhile, in case you were wondering how I've fared since my time there... I'm dealing with a vicious sunburn, I found mud in my ears on TUESDAY, and I just wrapped up what I think was a four-day hangover. Festivus! The day I discovered I'm old.
[H/T: Reader Dean]