Have you heard about the epidemic sweeping college residence halls across the country? All things considered, it's sticky situation. Apparently some sort of mutant, chalky superhuman seminal fluids that are "not water soluble" keeps solidifying in dorm shower drains! It's clogging pipes and causing all sorts of expensive plumbing headaches at some of the nation's finest educational institutions: $7,000 at Pepperdine, $733 at Syracuse, $,7000 at NYU, $700 at the University of Illinois. Part of your $50,000 a year in tuition is going to semen damage! The horror!

Of course, these prank letters have been circulating for years, almost always with official-looking university letterhead and a signature from the Campus Housing director. It seems like every semester we receive four or five of different memos announcing THE SAME THING about semen-blocked drains at colleges and universities on both coasts. The most recent sucker: Brewster Hall at Syracuse University. You've been trolled, gentlemen. No, your dorm's showers aren't clogged from excessive masturbation in your Res Hall. In fact, you should probably consider other life options besides higher education if you actually believe that, um, a little Drano can't bore through spunk-crusted dorm bathroom pipes. Critical thinking skills! In honor of back to school and all that jazz, here's a gallery of 11 different "clogged dorm shower" letters over the years, all from different universities, all saying the same thing. You can stop sending them to us now.