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Yale Law Student Sends Blistering Open Letter to Classmates, Calls Them ‘Uptight Motherf*ckers’

By / 02.01.13

One New Haven guy, who we know nothing about other than his Asian background and his status as a 3L Yale student, recently lost it. And, luckily for us, he did it a very public fashion. The guy, who we'll call “Howard Beale,”  went on Yale's “Wall”—a school-wide mailing list “used for any purpose imaginable” (ha!)—and proceeded to not only say that he hates the profession of law, he told every one of his fellow students that he fucking loathed them, too. Enjoy:

MESSAGE FROM AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN — YALE LAW SCHOOL WALL

Dear tYLS or tWall or whatever dumb shit you call it these days:

I am a second-semester 3L. How exciting. In a surprising turn of events, I decided I want to work for a couple of years at a law firm but eventually try to become a published author, or, if that fails, get a Ph.D. and try to become a professor.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s because I wanted to thank you all for inspiring me to follow my passions and my dreams. Specifically, these passions and dreams are writing and making fun of people.

I realized I hate law and politics. Why? Because I literally hate like 90% of you, and honestly I don’t really feel like going down the path that involves being stuck with even more people like you who literally have no sense of humor and get offended over literally everything. You think Clarence Thomas hates YLS? Clarence Thomas ain’t got SHIT on me.

I’ve watched as you guys get offended over the dumbest shit and wax political over the dumbest shit. LOL. I mean wow, and seriously, this fucking school. If the sticks up your asses were any larger, you guys would give Muslim extremists a run for their money. I thought Muslim terrorists were pretty bad for getting offended to the point of wanting to cause physical violence over a drawing, but I’m willing to bet there are a couple of words I could throw out there on this forum that would turn even you guys into rabid angry dogs. Anger. And Hatred. Over a WORD. A FUCKING WORD. USED OUT OF CONTEXT. I’ve come to realize that even at the smartest, most “enlightened” institution, students can be literally retarded and have no basic grasp of logic or rationality.

Also, you guys are a bunch of judgmental shitbags and hypocrites who haven’t understood the concept of “don’t judge a book by its cover” (speaking of metaphorical phrases, ever hear of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? How has this somehow been twisted in your fucked-up minds to “words also hurt me too really bad so please stop hurting my feelings you big weenie!”).

You guys openly judged me for not speaking out after the Yale DKE scandal, telling me I didn’t care enough about sexual assault and feminist causes. For your fucking information my sister had been sexually assaulted the winter before, and I had written my senior thesis, law school personal statement, AND 250 on human trafficking/sexual assault. You guys then criticized the shit out of “monster” parents like Amy Chua and other tiger mothers after the Battle Hymn/WSJ incident, not bothering to think perhaps you might have been seriously offending some Asian students, who, like me, may have grown up under similar circumstances and still loved our parents and knew our parents loved us. To show you why that is offensive, imagine the extremist reaction if someone on the Wall criticized black or Hispanic culture. I’m not sure how criticizing Asian culture is any different, but I guess we don’t count as people. Finally, in the coup de grace, you guys criticized me for being a flake and giving up on my public interest dreams and going corporate. Little did you know the reason I decided to go corporate was because my parents, who are making less than $20k to support 4 students (i.e., family of 6), declared bankruptcy the summer before law school and I thought as the oldest son it was my responsibility to do something about it. The affirmative action “debate” was the camel that broke the straw’s back, and actually, that was the first important step that pushed me towards trying to realize my dreams of writing for a living.

So seriously, fuck you guys, you judgmental, uninformed pricks, patting yourselves on the back on top of your goddamn moral high horses. I realize I am killing my future political career. GOOD. If you’ve read The Republic, you know exactly what my opinion of politicians are. I realize I am burning bridges. EXCELLENT. If I succeed in my passions, I want to make damn sure it is without the help of any of you phony-ass shitdicks. I’ve ALREADY gotten compliments about how inspirational I am, and I haven’t even fucking started yet. That’s the biggest compliment I’ve ever received in my life. It’ll probably take you guys 10-20 years to get that even once, so good luck and keep up the good work! /sarcasm.

In a slightly more serious note–if I could convince even just ONE of you uptight motherfuckers to just relax a little bit, learn to laugh, stop getting so offended over everything, and stop being so judgmental and hypocritical and hurting other people’s feelings in the process, the burnt bridges would be so worth it.

I know I could have waited until the end of the semester to send this, but it would provide me endless entertainment to see the expressions on your stupid-ass faces for the rest of the semester.

TLDR; fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you, I’m out (oh wait, I realized you guys probably don’t even watch movies based on marijuana just in case you get asked about it on the bar, so you probably missed the movie reference. Mea culpa).

Hugs and Kisses,
[Redacted]

p.s. I have a $100 desk chair I bought from Ikea that I don’t want any more and am willing to sell to you for $99.50 OBO.

p.p.s. I know I should probably use the spreadsheet for this but I’m too lazy so I don’t feel like it but I have a torts book for sale that nobody will want to buy since torts isn’t offered this semester but I am going to try to pawn it off anyway.

p.p.p.s. I was wondering if anyone has an extra macbook, preferably a macbook air because that would be easier on my shoulders. Standard offer of good conversation and baked goods apply.

 

I hate to do that wishy-washy “on the one hand… but on the other” moralizing about the email—mainly because I'm pretty sure our friend Beale has heard three years of those ambivalent discussions and they've now driven him to the point of insanity. Let's just quickly list off some pros and cons:

Pros:

  • Great handle of profanity. It's varied, it's evocative. I especially like the phrase “phony-ass shitdicks.” That's three curse words in one description!
  • The email certainly gets its point across. There's no question of intent; no, “I wonder what he meant here” garbage. It's just, boom, I hate all of you.
  • Gotta love the fact that he tries to sell his Ikea furniture at the end there.

Cons:

  • This is really the only con, but it's a big one: For someone who chose to blast all his classmates publicly because they're easily offended and uptight, it sure sounds like Beale gets offended pretty easily. I don't know the guy, obviously. Just basing this off his paragraph-long freakout over classmates' alleged loathing of “tiger moms,” as well as his comment that Yalies don't care about Asian students. (This is very difficult to believe.)

As always, if you see any great emails like the one above, shoot us a tip. We'll keep it anonymous.

[H/T: Above the Law, via Business Insider]


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