1. No, I DON'T Want to Sign Your Fucking Petition
The Vagina Prolapse Clinic in Uganda is being shut down? Bummer. There's a new string of Anthrax that only affects the South African Dik-Dik and signing your piece of paper will somehow cure everything and make rainbows spontaneously appear all around the country? Cool dude, but I still don't care. Unless your petition applies specifically to ME or the things on campus SURROUNDING me, the likelihood that I can muster the effort it takes to scribble my sloppy signature on a line is very, very low. Maybe if the signature was to give bonus points for effort in GPA calculations I'd sign it, but something like “We're trying to change the flowers on Campus Drive from red to orange”, well, you're an idiot. No one cares.
2. I Haven't Found Jesus and I'm Not Trying to
These people are the worst because I genuinely feel bad saying “No” in a stern voice like I'm training a dog to them right after they mention the words “Jehovah's Witness” or “Our Lord and Savior”. It's not just that I don't care about whatever they're trying to preach to me, it's that they're barking up the wrong tree in the wrong forest. A college campus? Really? You'd have more luck preaching God and whoever to the Scientology headquarters down in DC. Part of me feels bad for basically telling them to fuck off once they mention any religious shit, and another part of me hates them for being stupid enough to think that more than 3% of the people on campus will continue to listen to them past the point of religious blathering. Of that 3%, 2% of it is from people that were too nice to just walk away mid-sentence, which leaves only 1% that gives a fuck. So basically these people give me an emotional combination of sympathy and hate. Remember that 5,000 up in the first paragraph? It just grew to 6,000 writing this.
3. Stop Taking up the Goddamn Sidewalk
I think Tyler Durden put my sentiment towards these people perfectly:
“You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”
With that in mind, there's no reason for you and your friends to walk 3 or 4 across and take up the entire fucking sidewalk. You are not 13 and you are not at the Mall where this behavior is expected and soccer moms will just plow through you with strollers and intentionally side check you with a diaper bag for good measure. You are on campus. People here actually have classes to go to and actually have schedules to maintain instead of walk around slower than 99% of the people around them. You are not special. If you were Obama, then sure you can do that! Vladmir Putin? Sure, be my guest, he'd probably have me sent to the Russian gulags if I said anything otherwise. But you? Nah. Just keep in mind what Tyler Durden said, and think of yourself as a pile of dog shit rather than a snowflake and we'll get along just fine.
4. If You're Gonna Wear Weird Shit Then You Can't Bitch When I Stare
I'm all for individual expression, whether it's wearing obnoxious Hot Topic pins on your backpack or coloring your face so you look like Darth Maul. Really, do your thing because I could care less…on one condition. You can't give me dirty looks or immediately turn to your friends and start whispering while looking at me just because you chose to dress up like Sailor Moon today. What did you expect, a “Congratulations for Individuality!” cake? No no no hon, if you want one of those go to Otakon, you probably won't get a cake but at least people won't stare. In reality I'm happy that these people are on campus because it keeps things interesting. It could be a dreary rainy day and then all of a sudden POOF, someone dressed up like Catwoman walks by. That'll at least brighten my day for 5 minutes or so, but I don't understand how you can expect me NOT to stare at you when you're dressed up like a comic book character or just wearing weird shit in general. You're more of the snowflake Durden was talking about, but still, you're just a douche and you're not that special.
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5. You're Walking Too Fast
Now I know what you're saying, you're saying “Rebecca, first you complained about people walking too slow, and now they're too fast? You sure sound like a picky bitch”. Well that's actually pretty accurate, but let me elaborate. If you're just walking really fast, then whatever dude go do your thing. But if you're hunched over so your back is almost parallel with the ground and you're swinging the one free arm you have that isn't pulling a wheelie backpack like it'll help propel you forward, that's a different story. The first guy would just make me think “Looks like someone's late”, the second would make me think “Chill the fuck out dude you're gonna give yourself a stroke”. This gets annoying because it's usually the same out of shape person doing this over and over like they expected leaving late every day would somehow get them to class on time. They're also really, really sweaty, which isn't fun to be bumped into.
6. Did Nothing All Semester But Did Better Than Me in Class
In my Psych 101 class there was this GIANT hamplanet that would sit in the last row of the front section and eat chips twice a week for 75 minutes. I vaguely recall he ate Ruffles, which are my favorite and made me hate him more since I didn't have chips to eat myself. Anyways, this balloon would sit there, eat, kinda stare around the room, and not take notes. I went to 95% of those classes and never saw him even so much as have a sheet of paper in front of him, and even if he did he probably ate it at some point by mistake. I was like “Whatever dude, fail for all I care”. Then I got a D on the first exam. Panic mode: ACTIVATE. Walk into class the next day, dude has TWO bags of chips as opposed to one. What the hell? Did you get an A+ on the exam and that's your way of rewarding yourself? You have literally sat there for two months doing nothing but eat POTATO CHIPS while I sat here and took notes. Fuck you for being some sort of hamplanet savant that channels Rain Man, and fuck me for wasting the first 5 minutes of every class watching you devour a family size bag of chips.
7. You're Not as Smart as You Think You Are, so Shut Up
You know those people in class that think whatever pops into their poorly washed heads just needs to be said because it's just soooo intelligent that it just HAS to be shared with the rest of the class? Yeah it's annoying, but I have mixed feelings towards these fools. For one thing, it's fucking annoying to hear the phrase “Well in my Medieval History class last semester…” preface everything said during a Shakespeare class where we're reading the text as text and don't give a fuck about historical context. On the other hand about 70% of the things said by these people should never have been said out loud and it's hysterical to listen to, because even the professor is like “Ugh not this kid again”. So on one side you want to blow your brains out when they talk, and on the other they keep the class interesting. I had the pleasure of having 2 of these people in one of my classes last year, and instead of us reviewing for the final everyone had to sit and listen to these buffoons argue over absolutely nothing relevant to the exam. Luckily I skipped class to eat bagels instead.
8. The Library is for Studying, Not Giggling Over Facebook/Insagram/Whatever
This is especially annoying during finals when the library is pretty much filled to capacity and finding a table is the equivalent of winning the lottery. You sit down at what appears to be the LAST seat available, only to find tweedle dumb and tweedle dee are located exactly 3 feet away, and clearly aren't doing any studying. Now normally no one would give a shit what someone else is doing, but when they're being loud and laughing and just being general douchecanoes when it's finals week, someone needs to call in Robocop to dish out some appropriate justice, i.e. murder them without trial. It's one thing if you're taking a 5 minute break from studying (which these dipshits aren't), but if you're completely done with whatever you were once doing then WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?? No one walks past the library and says “You know what's a good place to not study and just sit? The library!”. So please. Do everyone a favor and just gtfo.
9. If You Cut Me in Line for Food, I Will Kick Your Knees in
I don't eat breakfast since I don't get up until 10 and my earliest class is at 11 (fuck yeah English majors), so depending on my schedule I don't get to eat until 1:00 or 2:00 at the earliest. By that point I'm willing to sell my firstborn child for a slice of bread, because let's face it, anything I breed will probably either be a total cuntwagon or just your typical Unabomber. I'm winning in that exchange, in other words. Anyhoo I'm minding my own business standing in line for a salad or something because I'm a girl and genetically geared towards paranoia around getting fat, and suddenly someone up front cuts in line to stand with a friend. What. You know that term “hangry”, which is basically hungry + angry? I don't get that. I get homicidal. No clever wordplay here, sorry. While standing in line I vow to find both of these people and piss on their beds, I swear to “accidentally” spills drinks on them at the bar, and I promise to take anything they hold dear to them and burn it. Do I ever do any of this? Nah, because once I eat I don't care. But don't fucking cut in line, or you might get cut (har har).
10. I DON'T CARE WHAT FRAT YOU'RE IN YOU BETTER HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR FOR ME
I guess you can file this more generally under “I think I'm better than you because x y and z”, but there's no real name for it, you just know it when you see it. One day last year I was basically following some fratfucker out a door and he was about to hold it open for me since I was maybe like 5 feet away, but then I saw him look at my lettered sweatshirt. And then he let the door shut. Yo, am I not a human being too?? Are you really so shallow as to NOT HOLD OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR JUST BECAUSE “Hurr durr I'm in a superspecialawesome frat and can't be seen holding a door for someone beneath me”. I'd like to say he got hit by a car immediately after, but nope, he just went on his merry douchebag way. Fuck him.
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