You could be walking through campus and seeing one of these people would make your blood boil and your Jeffrey Dahmer tendencies spring up, even if they're a mile away and you don't even come into contact with them. Everyone out there knows exactly what I'm talking about, and if you deny it then you're either a liar or a dog that somehow learned to read and loves everyone by default. Personally, I just let my rage build up inside me rather than taking it out anywhere, so keep your eyes peeled for a news story along the lines of "Insane Ex-Sorority Girl Offs Kills 1,000 on Campus". Yeah 1,000 is probably inaccurate, it should be around 5,000. I'm just Ms. Humble Sanity over here.
1. No, I DON'T Want to Sign Your Fucking Petition
The Vagina Prolapse Clinic in Uganda is being shut down? Bummer. There's a new string of Anthrax that only affects the South African Dik-Dik and signing your piece of paper will somehow cure everything and make rainbows spontaneously appear all around the country? Cool dude, but I still don't care. Unless your petition applies specifically to ME or the things on campus SURROUNDING me, the likelihood that I can muster the effort it takes to scribble my sloppy signature on a line is very, very low. Maybe if the signature was to give bonus points for effort in GPA calculations I'd sign it, but something like "We're trying to change the flowers on Campus Drive from red to orange", well, you're an idiot. No one cares.
2. I Haven't Found Jesus and I'm Not Trying to
These people are the worst because I genuinely feel bad saying "No" in a stern voice like I'm training a dog to them right after they mention the words "Jehovah's Witness" or "Our Lord and Savior". It's not just that I don't care about whatever they're trying to preach to me, it's that they're barking up the wrong tree in the wrong forest. A college campus? Really? You'd have more luck preaching God and whoever to the Scientology headquarters down in DC. Part of me feels bad for basically telling them to fuck off once they mention any religious shit, and another part of me hates them for being stupid enough to think that more than 3% of the people on campus will continue to listen to them past the point of religious blathering. Of that 3%, 2% of it is from people that were too nice to just walk away mid-sentence, which leaves only 1% that gives a fuck. So basically these people give me an emotional combination of sympathy and hate. Remember that 5,000 up in the first paragraph? It just grew to 6,000 writing this.
3. Stop Taking up the Goddamn Sidewalk
I think Tyler Durden put my sentiment towards these people perfectly:
"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
With that in mind, there's no reason for you and your friends to walk 3 or 4 across and take up the entire fucking sidewalk. You are not 13 and you are not at the Mall where this behavior is expected and soccer moms will just plow through you with strollers and intentionally side check you with a diaper bag for good measure. You are on campus. People here actually have classes to go to and actually have schedules to maintain instead of walk around slower than 99% of the people around them. You are not special. If you were Obama, then sure you can do that! Vladmir Putin? Sure, be my guest, he'd probably have me sent to the Russian gulags if I said anything otherwise. But you? Nah. Just keep in mind what Tyler Durden said, and think of yourself as a pile of dog shit rather than a snowflake and we'll get along just fine.
4. If You're Gonna Wear Weird Shit Then You Can't Bitch When I Stare
I'm all for individual expression, whether it's wearing obnoxious Hot Topic pins on your backpack or coloring your face so you look like Darth Maul. Really, do your thing because I could care less...on one condition. You can't give me dirty looks or immediately turn to your friends and start whispering while looking at me just because you chose to dress up like Sailor Moon today. What did you expect, a "Congratulations for Individuality!" cake? No no no hon, if you want one of those go to Otakon, you probably won't get a cake but at least people won't stare. In reality I'm happy that these people are on campus because it keeps things interesting. It could be a dreary rainy day and then all of a sudden POOF, someone dressed up like Catwoman walks by. That'll at least brighten my day for 5 minutes or so, but I don't understand how you can expect me NOT to stare at you when you're dressed up like a comic book character or just wearing weird shit in general. You're more of the snowflake Durden was talking about, but still, you're just a douche and you're not that special.
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