College
by Jake Cohen on March 5, 2014

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There is no doubt every guest list has its fair share of, “who the hell invited that guy!” No matter the college or party scene, the same old people will continue to never fail at annoying the living hell out of your drunken self at a party. Alcohol has stayed the same for generations now, yet people keep finding newer and innovative ways to ruin your night time and time again. Here are the 10 worst people you’ll see at a college party.

10. The Snapchat Story

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Now the key to this person is they were not “technically” at your party. BUT, they need to make it very clear every Saturday morning when your hung-over self checks your snapchat you see every moment of their night. No one cares. Seriously no one cares. There is no snapchat story of any party that anyone has ever been to that has made someone say, “THAT’S WHERE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LAST NIGHT!” If you are relying on a snapchat story to define your night. Then maybe you should find a real story as to why you went out last night.

9. The I-heard-the-cops-are-on-there-way guy

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They’re not. Enjoy the rest of your night.

8. The Hole-in-the-wall drunk

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Here he comes. The risk management nightmare. It’s almost as if you can see the damages add up as this notorious blacked out wrecking ball pounds back shots. Every party has him. The “hole in the wall drunk.” This is the guy that does not care about fun or other people’s enjoyment when he is blacked out. Oh, and he will be blacked out some point of your party. He is going to punch some walls, people, spill some shots, randomly insult some random girls, and there really is no stopping him. This is the guy you almost have to keep around just to see how he tops himself next. After all, is it even a Frat house without a few unexplainable holes in the walls?

7. The Rando

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He wasn’t on the guest list. But, hey… he knows a guy. Right? The rando is always swamped with questions as to, “Who do you know here?” and they always fire back with rapid detail all the people they somehow know at your party.

Now, it is nice to see some fresh faces at any party. But the rando has a special little kick to him. The rando always makes it a point to make it very clear he has been to much better parties than the one he is at right now. Come on, the reason you are being labeled as the “rando” is because you are probably looking very socially inept and awkward in that corner. Go ahead, talk to people about real things and meet people. You aren’t going to wow anyone with your random attitude, your random ass face, and your randomwait I remember I don’t care about you.

6. The handshake guy

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This is not a business meeting. I am not your girl friend’s parents. I am sure as hell not going to leave this party thinking “WOW! I shook that rando’s hand!”  There is also no acceptable scaled handshake that congratulates how drunk you are. With this all said, how is it possible you have come up to me to shake my hand over four times tonight?

In all honesty I am a little impressed. Not at your handshake itself. But due to the fact that it has only been 45 seconds since our last greeting. I understand the need to have people know you are at a party. We all get that. The bottom line is it is very annoying constantly greeting the same person over and over again with no real purpose. Get your clammy hands away from me and onto something more valuable to your night.

5. The bartender

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Lets talk about the guy that’s going to brag all night about how great his drinks are. Lets face it, no one within blocks, miles, or states can mix a plastic bottle of alcohol that is labeled just “Vodka” with soda quite like this guy. Oh no, not Coke or pepsi, not even Diet Mountain Dew, legitimately just “Soda.”

4. The Drinking Games Legend

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Also known as the “walking scoreboard,” this is the guy or girl that has to tell you how amazing they have done at beer pong tonight. Or even the night before, or even a throwback to that crazy party they spent all night running train through freshman noobs at beer pong. This is college and while drinking games are a ton of fun, the “walking scoreboard” is going to roam around the party like an ESPN twitter feed. Unlike any perception you had about college in high school. Your beer pong credentials means just as much to us as your high school GPA.

3. You drank how much?!

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They are always around the corner. Just waiting to tell you how drunk they are. Those tanks. These are the people at nearly every party on any social level that must proclaim how much alcohol they have consumed tonight. As if they are breaking new alcoholic barriers with every shot. No one has ever had a jaw dropping conversation at a party that starts with, “You won’t believe how much I have drank tonight.” Odds are I doI do believe you drank a lot tonight. Do you have any further input on this glorious conversation before I transport you to Yack City?

2. The Drunk Friend

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No matter the gender we have all been here. There is nothing quite worse than meeting that perfect guy or girl at the party just to be absolutely taken back by some overly drunken stump. The second this inebriated stump reaches your path, your goals of the night with this perfect person have become a task similar to climbing Everest. The pale face, the slur of words, the just spilled alcohol on the shirt, all just scream one simple word, “Cockblock.” It’s now over. The drunk friend always wins. The drunk friend ALWAYS wins. The drunk friend is going to keep his/her downhill spiral as that sweat hearted guy or girl you just met is left with nothing to do but help them.

1. Denial

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How often have you heard these lines projected out of the mouths of people who just don’t know their limits?

“Bro, This is nothing I’ve drank way more than this before.”

“Stacy! I swear I’m not even that drunk right now! I’ve had maybe like 3 mixed drinks.”

“Shut the F*** up I’m way older than you.”

Almost 100% of the time any of these lines are said, you mind as well rally the troops to help this drunken buffoon. It is a shame when someone who just tries way too hard to keep up with other people ruins a party. You can be some proverbial alcoholic tank or a lightweight and no one will really care to know the difference. Enjoy your night at your own pace, and when people are constantly telling you to slow down. It is probably time to slow down.

 

Jake Cohen

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